September 3rd, 2009 marked the close of our second year of spreading laughs
among the Bulls and the Bears. Wow...we even made it through a recession and
the death of Michael Jackson. We know that we have many more good years to
come so stay tuned. Thanks again for joining us.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
While catching some of Fast Money on Tuesday night, we were watching Pete Najarian doing linebacker drills he had done while playing in the NFL. Unfortunately for Pete, the linebacker drills that he did than have changed names with age. Sorry Pete, but those drills you were doing are now drills for the receding hairline backer.
It seems once again that the Fed got things wrong. This time they got the names of the programs backwards and wrong. Giving all that money to some lousy companies; TARP should have been called Cash for Clunkers then turn around and make Cash for Clunkers into the new TARP..."Take Away-Refuse to Pay".
For the record, Elliott Spitzer also wants it to be known that he was the first to use the term Cash for Clunkers. He told his wife that it referred to the call girls he was with and how they were not as beautiful as she is. At least it was the one term he actually got to finish.
(Oh as an aside. Ever see the pictures of the call girl he was always with? Nice try Spitzer. As ET said... Elliott, no go home.)
The staff at TDJR finally got some new equipment for chasing down stories both nationally and globally. We got us an iPhone. Just like the monkeys dancing around the monolith in 2001, we too are doing our own dance around this unknown object. We are all a bit lost about getting it going and still living up to our credo, "Being Fast, Being First and Being Funny". It is taking us so long, we can't imagine how they could call anything in it QuickTime.
Tuesday was National Coffee Day. It is the one day a year that coffee becomes the #1 product of Columbia, enjoyed by traders and brokers on Wall Street. Just remember last year everyone and all the burnt noses...Coffee is to be slurped and not snorted.
As we come to the end of the 3rd quarter, it is time to switch field positions. So all the Bears are now Bulls. All the Bulls are now Bears except, of course, for Warren Buffet. He will never play for the Bears (publicly anyway). Besides, his little personal cheerleader Becky Quick only has the Horny Like a Bull naughty cheerleader outfit. The one with properly placed insignia of the Snorting Bull. (OK, better stop there, sometimes it gets warm in here!!! I know, now where's that iPhone? Monkeys, think of monkeys, ugly, hairy chimps, flinging stuff, OK...better, much better, good monkeys.)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
So in the end, how was the Wild Wild Kanye West tamed? It was in a shootout with Buckwheat at the O'Tay Corral.
As of today, ninety four troubled banks have been closed. It is good to hear that at least of its kind in Florida will remain fluid for a long time...The Southern Perm Expulsion Repository for Manipulation. Open an account today and all cougars, late clock tickers and female fans of Melissa Etheridge will get a free turkey baster...while supplies last.
Scientists have just announced that they have developed Botox for hair. OK, we have no idea why either, except, that you may really desire your hair to become overly puffy, inflated and look like what Medusa wore.
We guess, instead of the "Rachel" being the hot hair style on "Friends" in the 90's, the new "it" hair style is going to be the "Medusa". All you need to do is find a blind hair stylist and it's a guarantee that all the guys are going to get real stiff when they see it. Then again, as if anyone might ever know.
A feud is brewing between two people in danger of overexposure and not being able to keep their mouths shut (porn actresses not allowed in category). In this corner, we have Ba-talk Obama, who did all the news shows on Sunday, David Letterman Monday night and spoke at the United Nations on Tuesday. In the other corner, barely fitting, is fast becoming the most annoying talented women on the planet. Yes, his opponent is, Miss Susan (more painful than an ass) Boyle. The matronly schoolmarm and admittedly talented singer is appearing everywhere, either live or on tape. Yet, so was and is Andy Gibb. We will have the outcome next week after the opponents opening remarks and eventual instructions which surely will be debated. (Editor's Note: The Head Writer is not an aficionado of Susan Boyle's works as the editor is, so the jokes are a little slanted today but the editor will let them slide to appease him. Hey, he still worships the It's Wonderful Life movie, so go figure.)
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a limit of one large screen TV per household. This is due to the tremendous amount of energy they use in an electricity starved state. Of course, this only applies to households that buy a manly set for football, wrestling and porn. If it's a feline TV type for shows like "The View", "Desperate Housewives" and of course "Sex and the City", these sets will automatically be reported as violating the California law. They will be removed from their homes and promptly disposed of and no, sorry, Woman's Weightlifting doesn't count.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Kanye...we have a message for ya. Tick, tick tick...it's almost run out.
It looks like your fifteen minutes is almost up before you turn into a no talent, whiney, so you will talk about me, racist, pig f'er...oh wait, that clock is slow. OK, your 15 minutes ended a while ago. You're back to normal, sorry.
We think that at the next Kanye West concert, (if there is such a thing), that all the tickets should get bought up by Taylor Swift fans. Oh yeah, they will love him big time. How's it feel to be humiliated on stage by a bunch of teenagers big fella?
Anyone watch the new Survivor this week with that new a-hole Russell? He has a plan to beat everyone on his team, even the hot blondes. He said he is going to use them and then throw them aside like the dumb blondes they are (or something like that). Russell, OK, be a jerk on the show, but please keep the blonde in the yellow bikini around for awhile. Yikes...did you see them...we mean the 2 blondes swimming.
Russell may be a strong, broad shouldered guy, but if he was smart, he'd have made Budweiser pay him some nice money to have a Bud tattoo on the big beer gut.
The Emmys were on last night but the NY Jets beat the stinking Patriots.
(Head Writer's Note: NY Jets head coach Rex Ryan blog special interview for TDJR.)
Look for the airline indices to be up and we wouldn't be surprised to see Boston beer maker of yucky Sam Adams, Friendly's for only serving New England Clam Chowder and Patriot Community Bank to pretty much be delisted they will drop so much. (Head Writer's Note: Again, thank you Rex Ryan.)
Speaking of head coaches, do they have one of those at the Porn Actress University? Some of those young ladies are pretty good, despite the re-editing. If you fail, can you take a make up exam for Fluffer in Training. (We should be on MythBusters.)
That sounds like a good idea...lets bust some real myths, like the urban, sexual or achievement ones.
PLEASE, TO ALL FAITHFUL READERS HERE AT TDJR, WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR MYTHS AND WE WILL PICK THEM APART OR DO SOMETHING WITH THEM RIGHT HERE, TYPED BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES. (FYI...TDJR...is an acronym for "The Dow Jokes Report") (Editor's Note: Duh!)
Starting with the ever popular:
Scuba diver found in tree in full scuba outfit in middle of huge forest fire.
KFC late night dinner.
Dead Munchkin?
Ghost in "Three Men and a Baby".
Will you die if you burp, sneeze, hiccup and fart at the same time?
And of course, really loving lobster.
Coming soon to the best, damn funniest, web page on the Internet...this one!!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
One year ago this week, Lehman Brothers collapsed and more recently, this week Jay Leno and his new show collapsed.
Whitney Houston now claims that she is drug free. Or was it she claims she gets her drugs for free?
Quick...name a Kanye West song that you know?
Quick...does anyone even hear him until he opens his racist mouth with stupid remarks?
We wish, in a way, Kanye was on a bit longer. We were trying as fast as we could to get the directions from LA to San Diego off of Kanye's hair that was horrible. It had to be either a map or his barber also does crop circles.
New synonym for jackass: kayne
This just in, at the VMA's it has been confirmed that there is no way that Beyonce's outfit could have gotten any tighter. Well, there is always next year guys.
The Lehman Brothers Holdings collapse last year was big news and one can say it started the financial disaster that followed. Yes, big news at the time, but there have been many brothers in history who have made quite a bit of problems for themselves with their "errors":
The Menendez Brothers - (Editor's Note: Melendez is in spell-check dictionary but not Menendez...mmm...maybe Stuttering John was more maniacal after all.) Outside of the sweaters in court, why didn't one brother kill the other? This way he says he caught the other shooting the parents and shot his brother trying to be a hero and save his loving parents. (sniff sniff)
The Smith Brothers and their Cough drop empire - They had to dissolve their business after losing a Supreme court decision over "unlawful use of the likeness of others without permission". The plaintiffs, ZZ Top, could not be reached for comment.
Parker Brothers toys - After recycling the same board game over and over, people got "bored" with their games.
The Blues Brothers - After being one of the funniest movies made, setting the record for car crashes and the largest amount of "powdered substances" ever allocated to be used on one film (it was in the contract). Even with the death of John Belushi, who made the film so great? They still did it. A pitiful sequel tarnished the image of the original.
The Baldwin Brothers - With Stephen in "Usual Suspects", a great movie, than soft porn and finding religion than Daniel Baldwin fighting demons in hotel rooms. Billy married Chynna Phillips and was believed to have been eaten by the fat chick in Wilson-Phillips. Finally Alec Baldwin, other than having the nickname of "The Bloviator",
Urban Dictionary
bloviator
1. A public figure, such as a politician or an actor, who makes outlandish, strident statements on issues, thinking that the average man will care about their opinions.
2. Someone who pontificates about issues of which they are uninformed, yet pretend to be expert.
3. Pompous blowhard, using their celebrity to speak about topics on which they are totally unqualified.
That bloviator Alec Baldwin said he was going to move to France. Why is he still in Hollywood?
Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez - Sorry Emilio, your decision to keep the family name was stupid. In the real world of public relations, name recognition and getting work you don't see what the audience sees. Your brother Charlie Sheen is the only son of Martin Sheen. Woops...where are you? Plus, Charlie was married to Denis Richards who was in the pool with Neve Campbell having a very hot lesbian kiss naked. Now that's being a cool brother.
The Brothers Grimm - Both died in a murder suicide pact due to depression. With a last name Grimm, its was kind of a given.
The Smothers Brothers - Sorry, but their act completely went down the tubes when they found out they were adopted and their mother didn't like either of them.
Mario and Luigi - They turned state witnesses and entered the Federal Witness Protection Program after deciding to testify against the don of the Mushroom Kingdom. Never to be heard from again.
Monday, September 14, 2009
With tomorrow marking the 1st anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers and our economy, we here at TDJR felt that our readers could use some much needed uplifting. Yes, a track from our fav (OK...just the editor's) Susan Boyle has leaked on to the Internet. It's from her upcoming November 24th debut album "I Dreamed a Dream" which is already a #1 pre-sale bestseller on Amazon. Take a listen and enjoy, it's a cover of Wild Horses by the Rolling Stone previously covered by Neil Young, Garbage, Deacon Blue and The Cranberries among many others...wow...go figure.
Need more Su Bo, she'll be making her first US singing appearance live this Wednesday night on the finale of America's Got Talent.
Wednesday September 9, 2009
Ahh...here we are in September, the end of a long, dry time of heat, sweat and still no money from the sidelines in a "do it for the Gipper" kind of inspirational involvement. The end of summer, when the Big Boys with the deep pockets end their long summer vacations of globetrotting, bonus spending and staying away from anything that even sounds like Madoff. For example: "That waiter made off with my dish. I wasn't quite finished with my sautéed goose with fresh pom'e'granite de viscei sois and fries". So, welcome back, Big Boys of the Stock Exchange, because if it wasn't for you, we'd have no speculation, inside information or market manipulation. So yes, to you the Big Men with the moolah in their money belts, the winners of Wall Street and the behemoths of business. You are great Americans (well some of you). You make us proud to live in a country where we no longer have to live from paycheck to paycheck. So, Big Boys, we thank you, the few left who still have a job or unemployment insurance. In our salute to capitalism or pretty close to socialism too...these songs are for you!
It will be an odd, slow and volatile September leading into Stocktober so we salute it by offering these few choice song selections made by the TDJR staff:
Monday, September 7, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
It's kind of ironic that Wall Street is ready to
start off a three day Labor Day weekend right after they get the
unemployment figures for how many thousands more people are out of
work...not a lot of celebrating.
(Editor's Note: Bad Taste Alert...Please Look Away!)
Since when did Ted Kennedy get so popular and similar to Michael Jackson?
Both had famous brothers, both had a controlling parent and both were
substance abusers. Most importantly, we learned that young, drunk, white
women can't swim either.
The big difference is, allegedly, Mary Jo Kopechne waited for Ted Kennedy to get off in the back seat while when Dr. Conrad Murray goes to jail, he similarly won't
have to wait for someone to get off in his back seat.
Mary Jo Kopechne ended up in the water while Dr. Conrad Murray is in hot water.
Ted Kennedy had a red nose from drinking and MJ had no nose.
Both had issues with bubbles.
Both were about to get injections.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Southwest Airlines has announced it is offering it's customers early boarding and their desired seating for an additional $10. This comes at a time when Northwest Airlines is offering fast checkout service. It involves landing the plane in a desolate and deep part of the Atlantic Ocean...ahead of schedule.
India has officially announced that it has lost contact with its first moon craft. Disappointed Indian scientists are working to find out what exactly happened but early reports point to a malfunction in one of the main engine's turbans. This confirmation proves that we have heard the last of India's space craft ..."The Friendship 7-11". All Slurpees will only be filled up halfway in memoriam to the lost craft.
There is no real chance for the uptick rule to be put back in place in order. If so, it would cut out some of the market's manipulative shorting done by some of the larger firms. As long as the big boys get their way and are allowed to continue to wear their "Our Advantage 'No Naked, Up-Tick Changes' Collars" the market will still be controlled by the big dogs.
Recently deceased Michael Jackson's 51st birthday just passed. His unfortunate death did make finding him a gift a bit easier. What do you get someone who already has all the drugs he wants?
(Editor's Note: Bad Taste Alert...Please Look Away!)
Since when did Ted Kennedy get so popular and similar to Michael Jackson?
Both had famous brothers, both had a controlling parent and both were
substance abusers. Most importantly, we learned that young, drunk, white
women can't swim either.
The big difference is, allegedly, Mary Jo Kopechne waited for Ted Kennedy to get off in the back seat while when Dr. Conrad Murray goes to jail, he similarly won't
have to wait for someone to get off in his back seat.
Mary Jo Kopechne ended up in the water while Dr. Conrad Murray is in hot water.
Ted Kennedy had a red nose from drinking and MJ had no nose.
Both had issues with bubbles.
Both were about to get injections.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Southwest Airlines has announced it is offering it's customers early boarding and their desired seating for an additional $10. This comes at a time when Northwest Airlines is offering fast checkout service. It involves landing the plane in a desolate and deep part of the Atlantic Ocean...ahead of schedule.
India has officially announced that it has lost contact with its first moon craft. Disappointed Indian scientists are working to find out what exactly happened but early reports point to a malfunction in one of the main engine's turbans. This confirmation proves that we have heard the last of India's space craft ..."The Friendship 7-11". All Slurpees will only be filled up halfway in memoriam to the lost craft.
There is no real chance for the uptick rule to be put back in place in order. If so, it would cut out some of the market's manipulative shorting done by some of the larger firms. As long as the big boys get their way and are allowed to continue to wear their "Our Advantage 'No Naked, Up-Tick Changes' Collars" the market will still be controlled by the big dogs.
Recently deceased Michael Jackson's 51st birthday just passed. His unfortunate death did make finding him a gift a bit easier. What do you get someone who already has all the drugs he wants?
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