Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Poor Britney Spears has now been charged with a hit and run related to a small fender bender she never reported to the police. I was a little nervous there for a moment, thinking no matter how bad it was they can’t charge her for that! I thought they were talking about her VMA appearance. It sure as hell wasn’t a hit but she did run as fast as she could out of there.
In a related story, Playboy has said they will no longer pay a large amount of money for Britney to pose nude in the magazine. Playboy said it was still very interested in Miss Spears but wants something with less wear and tear and mileage. They have decided to wait for the chance at the newer Jamie Lynn Spears model to become
Long awaited video game Halo 3 goes on sale tonight, September 25, in thousands of stores. This means that by approximately 12:15AM, the same night, bootleg copies of Halo 3 will be for sale on the streets of Manhattan near Times Square. (Ask for Pun D.)
In looking at the numbers last week for Oracle (ORCL), the good numbers weren’t enough to convince me, but that they figuratively let us into their boardroom with this information from their report. Put away the charts and graphs people, all you need to know is right here:
Company Profile for ORCL Key People:
Chairman: Jeffrey O. (Jeff) Henley
CEO and Director: Lawrence J. (Larry) Ellison
Co-President, CFO, and Director: Safra A. Catz
Well, now I am convinced I can use my kid’s college fund and grandma’s nursing home annual payment to invest it all in ORCL. How can you not when they release such key information like the fact that Chairman Jeffrey Hellman actually uses the nickname Jeff, or that the janitor can say ‘How’ it hangin, Larry’ knowing that CEO Lawrence Ellison will know he’s speaking to him before he fires him.
The San Francisco Giants have told the new Home Run King Barry Bonds that after 18 years playing there, he will not be invited back to play the next season with them. Bonds was upset but knew it was all business and that he will just play somewhere else next year. Well, this is good news for those of you holding those extremely rare 18 year San Francisco Bonds, as it appears they have finally matured.
While accidentally surfing through some dating sites recently, I came across one very interesting dating site, Born Again Singles. It made me think to myself, why? Basically, these sites are, well in my mind a made over the internet booty call. If so? Why waste your time and money on Born Again Singles which has people with morals and virtue? Let’s be real, someone needs to start, Born Again Sluts. I don’t want to see a picture of a girl kneeling and praying for salvation. I want to be salivating and paying for a picture of a girl on her knees.
Rapper, movie star, felon Snoop Dogg was not jailed, but given community service and a fine for trying to bring a collapsible baton weapon onto a flight with him recently. Apparently there was some confusion with the charges. It was not a baton that a conductor would use, so the charges were dismissed for attempting to impersonate a real musician. The judge also stated that the felony charge would be reduced to a misdemeanor if Snoop Dogg stays out of trouble with the law for 1 year. If anyone believes that might happen, I have some Delphi stocks sitting around here somewhere you might want to buy.
Ok, this just in from CNBC, while watching breaking news about the strike by UAW against GM…Trish Regan is officially a knockout!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
A Puerto Rican horse named Dona Chepa finished at the back of the pack in his last race and now holds the dubious record of losing 125 consecutive horse races. All I can say is when you finish last, that often your view would get you to see just as many horse’s asses as the Press Corps must see each and every day around the White House.
The horse has got to be about 60 years old and that explains why each week its program number is AARP.
The horse has raced in and lost 125 consecutive races? Well no wonder he’s losing, why all those races right after each other…give the horse a break once in a while, skip a race here or there! It is getting to the point that it is so bad, bettors are trying to wager on this horse as people would a similar stock and find a way to short it. I have done the research and can announce now that finally, someone has a worse record than Dona Chepa. It is the people who do the fact checking for stories over at Barron's. Finally, all in all, there is something in this horse I like. Even despite its poor record of never having won a race in 125 tries, I would still bet this horse to win. No matter how many races he loses until than, I can guarantee you, even he could beat the Republicans in 2008.
If K-Fed wins custody, the first thing he is going to ask the court to do before trying to strike a deal with Britney for millions to have her kids back is change the kid’s names to ‘Dollar’ and ‘Sign’.
Everyone, a quick prayer with me now, in your own choice of religion….
Dear (fill in the Deity), If Kevin Federline does win custody, please do not ever let him try and sing those poor children to sleep. It’s almost abusive. (Deity Bless you).
OJ Simpson has been released on bail and for awhile is a free man. I think it is because the police believe they have an open and shut case. Not only do they have a tape of the crime, but it seems a valuable piece of memorabilia was left behind that, on its own appears quite damning to OJ. OJ left his Heisman Trophy in the room which in itself isn’t bad. What is bad is the little blond wig he put on it and how he hack sawed almost ¾ of the way through its neck, almost decapitating it.
With OJ in the news again, the papers showed a recent picture of the former prosecutor in OJ’s murder case, Marcia Clarke. Ms. Clarke is now a blond and looking pretty damn hot. Than I thought to myself, Uh-oh! OJ’s out on bail and seems to allegedly have rage issues with blond women who have done him wrong. Can anyone say, back to the bad black perm...pronto?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Did anyone else find Tina Fey a bit self-serving and demeaning when accepting her Emmy? With a stage full of show people, she joked and wanted to thank the dozens of viewers she had. What, another 20 seconds would have killed you to name them, would it Scarface?
During the Emmy’s, it was really cool how the whole cast of the Sopranos came up on stage and than the Soprano family emerged from the floor. It was a hell of a lot better than all the hugging, kissing and grinding that Jon Stewart, Steve Colbert and Steve Carell were doing. It seemed like they just came out of the closet.
The Las Vegas slogan, “Whatever happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas” has never been more appropriate as when you tie it to OJ Simpson…he’s staying…for 60 years.
After all the work the Los Angeles Police Department did legally to convict OJ Simpson for the double murder like allegedly hiding and or creating evidence, lying in court and falsifying testimony, they still failed to get a conviction. How badly they all must have felt and ironic that after all that, OJ finally gets arrested in the act of a crime by, you ready…CASINO POLICE.
NOTE: Someone put the whole LAPD on suicide watch. How great would it have been if Kato Kaelin was staying in the room right next to where this happened? Oh and someone try and wake Judge Ito out of his self imposed coma.
OJ sounded like a 3rd grader explaining to his parents why he hit another kid, all pouting,” I just wanted my stuff back…it’s not fair.”
The only real piece of memorabilia OJ was actually bursting into the room looking for was his knife, the murder weapon.
You have to give OJ a little credit here, he was reacting on a tip that the real killer was hiding in that hotel room. Do you realize that this is the first time OJ has looked for the real killer somewhere other than a golf course?
Of course the big news today was that the Fed made bigger cuts than expected. How hot would it have been to have seen Erin Burnett in her old cheerleader outfit (you know she has one) with pomp pomes going…
“Bernanke he’s our man, he showed he could do it like Greenspan.”
I was really moved when after the unanimous vote on the cuts, the whole board got up, looked at Bernanke and started singing…”You’re first cut is the deepest, yes it is.”
Thursday,
September 13, 2007
The MRAP, Mine Resistant Ambush Protected
vehicle program is going so sell their
vehicles. Producers have shipped about 3,500
of the land mine protective vehicles to a
base to be outfitted with the necessary
equipment. As of this report, a total of 400
have been sent to be used in combat. I think
it’s time to name the MRAP. It looks like
it’s … More Republican Asinine Planning.
I guess even Cramer misses one once in a while. Oh great, more fodder for the next smear campaign story on Cramer’s stock picking ability by the un-RED BARRON’s. (Comedic license used and union notified.)
As we approach the holiday season, I have noticed a distinct difference this year. Many Democrats will not be celebrating their respective holidays. For them, the real holiday season doesn’t start until Inauguration Day, January 20, 2009.
I have often wondered why men have this glass ceiling that prevents women from advancing to higher positions of authority on higher floors. Gentlemen of power, think of your brother man, reconsider this unwritten rule and think of the view those sitting below that glass ceiling will have. Hoo-ha.
Monday,
September 10, 2007
Britney Spears started her comeback at MTV's
VMA's. Britney, who has been through a lot,
a broken marriage, custody fight, drinking
and partying all night, made it difficult to
watch her. I realized that it was the
alcohol that made her performance such a
disappointment, I guess I just didn't drink
enough of it...y'all. I find Britney’s
downfall so sad. To see her in that skimpy
outfit at the VMA's shows that it only takes
a short time to go from Mrs. K-Fed to Miss
Well-Fed. Based on the popularity of long
dresses seen at Fashion week, brings to mind
an old Wall Street adage that when hemlines
go down so does the stock market. I am
beginning to believe there may be some truth
to it. As the longer dresses premiered
toward the end of last week, the stock
market went down as far as the hemlines did.
Not even the return of Britney Spears in a
skimpy outfit could make the Dow Rise!
I admit I enjoyed Erin Burnett interviewing the gentleman from Dartmouth who was discussing the amazing increase in the school's endowment. I felt like Beavis and Butthead when she had to ask him questions like, "So how endowed is it", and "Congratulations, it must feel wonderful to be so well endowed and every year it keeps getting bigger". The best was when she said "I went to school in New England and believe me I have seen plenty but none as endowed as yours".
Is it me or how can people believe any of those adds on making money in the market when the headlines states something like this: "I’ve made millions in the stock market in only a few short year and now I want to teach you how to do it!" Why? Why, in the name of all that's holy, if you did have this ability, you were able to make this kind of money and say you can still do it, would you tell anyone else!!! Not only that, tell them how to do it for $29.99 a month. I'm not that good at math but making millions in the stock market in a short time seems a bit more lucrative.
Senator Larry
Craig appears now to be resigning from the
Senate. After toying with the idea of
running again, he said that being a Senator
was very, very frustrating. He complained
you have no idea what life is like in the
Senate, you are basically 'untouchable'.
Wednesday, September
5, 2007
EarthLink Inc., due to a large slowdown of
business is planning to "substantially
reduce" its offices and employees, leaving a
lot of out of work people. You have to
figure those laid off aren't doing anymore
commercials for how great it is at
EarthLink. When in reality, they will be
looking for jobs by outsourcing themselves
to India. It's either that or actually using
the company's severance package of 2 Turbans
and a map of all the 7-11 stores in the
country.
Sun
Microsystems announced today that it will
change its NASDAQ symbol from SUNW to JAVA,
the brand itself created in 1955. The stock
ticker change will go into effect for the
trading community on Monday, August 27,
2007. Their stock price has not
'bean' so good as of late so we hope that it
will perk up soon. Go surprise your
wife and have her wonder to herself, 'Hmmm
he never buys a second set of stocks at
home'.
(Head Ed Note:...Thank you once again
Sir...those 'jokes' compliments of Pun
Ditty)
**************** Just off the wires!!! ( Do we still have wires? Ask Pun Ditty later.)
In a related story, Fox News, upon learning that you can change symbols and slogans based upon the product you put out, has issued the following alleged statement. It has allegedly come up with a more appropriate News Slogan. It reads:
Fox News -The World's Most Obviously Hypocritical News Network
It was submitted by a Fox staffer named Frank EnAL, who claims this was their 2nd choice, Bush Butt Buddies 4 Eva was taken.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Monster.com has reported the theft of millions and millions of personal information from people's resumes, leading many to remove them from the site. After Sears, that just lost 40% in their last quarter, this can only be taken as good news for Sears CEO Eddie Lampbert, as his resume is facing much less competition for that new job he'll be needing...soon.
(HeaD ED.itor Note) Our Head Ed Pun Ditty, promises to reprimand and deal with appropriately the person who wrote the joke that used to occupy this space about the lovely Melissa Lee. He stated the punishment for said joke puts him in an awkward situation but will uphold his personal credo. No snacking at all when you are sent to bed right after 'Fast Money' without dinner, nothing at all. So it is said, so it shall be written.
With all that has been going on with the subprime mortgage mess, everyone has been looking for a scapegoat. Well, we here at TDJR have found him. If you see him, please apprehend him immediately because he is none other than
this guy
George Bush and Ben Bernanke both gave speeches today about the economy. Even though BushNanke, talked for a long time, we are still trying to figure out what they said.
(Pun Ditty Note: Would somebody please explain to our President that people who have subprime loans are not people with good credit. So this bail out plan of yours that you said and I quote "for people with good credit"...well George, looks like you did it again. That's our boy!)
Earlier this week Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced his resignation in a short speech at the Justice Department. We are lucky enough to have one of his distant cousins here to translate it for all of our Latino friends.
Click here
PS: A message on shopping from the top designer of these outfits. When we designed these clothes, we had a certain
'look' in mind. That look was NOT for those who let's say buy a pair of pants from Aéropostale, and the whole name of the company can fit straight across your butt.
Upon word that a New Jersey teenager was able to
un-lock his iPhone with a soldering gun and little else, enabling him to switch to any carrier he chooses, Apple didn't seem the least bit worried. Reason being, the next day they launched their latest product. A soldering gun that holds all your iPod MP3's, GPS system, Google Maps, browser, video camera, full QWERTY keyboard, Smart Phone and of course a new roll of soldering copper. As it is first and foremost, the new Apple iSoldergun.
Capital One has decided to close its wholesale mortgage banking unit. This includes the immediate laying off of some 1900 employees who, in a few weeks will finally be able to answer Capital One's question:
What's in your wallet?
I suggest a new name for the pretty and, ok, very hot ladies of CNBC...a collective term if you will...
The Dow's Meows
(...you can almost hear them purr.)
President Bush discussing his daughter Jenna's quick engagement as a way to have a wedding in the White House at the taxpayers' expense. President Bush just smiled and says... "what do ya think I'm a complete idiot? Now looky here, I had this all planned out since '04. I put away every penny I was paid as being President for this wonderful time in our little girls' lives. So now listen and tell me who's the idiot here fellas. As soon as I get elected for my third term, which by the way has not been done in quite some time, I'll use that money for another wedding. So three terms and my three twin daughters...it's beautiful.
I do need some help here guys, for the weddings. I can never tell who the 3rd twin is. I figured out all on my own that she must be identical to one of the other 2...a lil' help here would be nice...and oh yeah...does anyone know her name?"
I noticed today that CNBC has brought in Trish Regan to work mid-days. I would have bet anything that someone with the last name Regan would have surely ended up working for Fox and their new business channel.
Thought for the Day:
Yes, it's true, the Fed is F'ed up.
It seems that whatever pundit you choose to listen to they are all basically saying the same thing. The sub prime mortgage and credit worries have weighed heavily on investor sentiment.
Investor Sentiment? OK, I have been to my local lotto stationery store many times. I admit Hallmark has a card for just about everything but I have yet to see one consoling someone about their heavy investor sentiment.
What's the card going to say:
I'm sorry to say
things didn't go your way
but before it is through
you might still have a buck or 2.
If that is the case
don't care bout the human race
just take what you can
the hell with your fellow man
cause there is no place that is finer
than putting those few bucks on Baidu in China!
Best Wishes on stripping away your investor sentiment for your fellow Americans who are losing their jobs and homes.
You really don't know any of them personally and you still have your house free and clear..thanks to mom and dad dying so young. You are blessed and don't forget it.
Happy No Investor Sentiment Days.
To my loyal reader of The Dow Jokes Report. We had the breaking news of the Bond Story right here before anyone else did (see * item below). That includes you Rick Santelli. Maybe stop sticking your finger in your ear...huh?
The first, the few, the very tired who need some help!
Monday morning thought for the day:
If semiconductors weren't in the tech sector and were in, say, the transportation sector, would that mean that the conductors were only semi good?
Can someone please break the news to Dylan Ratigan that Johnny Depp already got the part for 'Cry Baby' a long time ago!. While you're at it break it to him that he's not young enough to play James Dean anymore. Can we lose the greaser look there Kanicki?
Dylan Ratigan is amazing. I have never heard a man who can talk so fast and say something without it being 4am at last call while inhaling 1 of the 2 main exports from Columbia. I'll give you a hint, one is coffee and the other is?
I have to tip my hat to Jim Cramer on 'Mad Money' Friday warning about panic selling. I'm sorry Jim, but I don't think that the panic selling is going to be any less than when Randolph and Mortimer Duke tried to get into the pit themselves and sell their Orange juice futures after they got the bogus orange crop forecast.
Whatever did happen to Beeks?
Feeling Good Billy Ray? Feeling Good Louis!
(Editor's note: Oddly enough, when they were in the train in costume, Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd met each other supposedly after a log absence and start cheering boo-yah boo-yah over and over. If I'm ignorant and that's where the Cramer battle cry came from, I'm a weenie. If not, the brilliance shows.)
I don't know, is it just me, but does it appear that Mark Haines opens up more than the Stock Market each morning?
***Take a look at pictures of new Home Run King and alleged steroid abuser Barry Bonds in his sleek, thin Pittsburgh Pirate days compared to his present bulky, muscular San Francisco Giant one and it leaves only one conclusion.
The 20 year report on Bonds is definitely artificially inflated.
A recent report actually was concerned about whether China can control its growing obesity problem. I think it's easy, stop sending them to the United States.
An NBC and a Wall Street Journal report came out showing that most Americans are worried about a possible recession. Oh yeah and that war thingy too.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has some people upset that he should at least have taken the same amount of time he takes trimming and shaping his perfectly shaped beard to trimming and shaping the Federal rates.
In retrospect, I guess we should be grateful that the owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, bought the Wall Street Journal instead of the New York Times. The first thing he would have done is change that motto right below the New York Times banner on the front page to read...
All the News That's Fixed to Print.
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