Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Some more bad news, some better news and some great news:
The bad news is that the man of a 1000 voices and faces, impressionist Fred Travalena, has died of cancer at the age of 66...RIP. We know that you're entertaining them in heaven now too.
The maybe better news is that the autopsy on the late Billy Mays showed that he didn't die from head trauma. After an initial autopsy on Mays' body, the Florida medical examiner stated that he suffered from hypertensive heart disease and that a heart attack was most likely the cause of his death...dam McDonald's and/or he ate too many mini burgers out of his Big City Slider Station. We hope he had some iCan health insurance for the family too.
The best news of the day is that weasel Bernard Madoff was finally sentenced and received a 150 year sentence with no parole...yes, there is a God!!! Oh wait...that might have just been Fred Travalena doing an impression...hope not!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
With 4 celebrity deaths in 6 days, 49 year old South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is being touted as the luckiest man in the word by TMZ. No, he wasn't on a celebrity death watch but current events overshadowed his major news items and made them disappear. He was supposed to return to his office Wednesday after a mysterious week-long hiking trip. But lawmakers couldn't help but scratch their heads at why Sanford would abandon the capital without maintaining phone contact and notifying key people of his whereabouts -- like the lieutenant governor. In reality, the wilderness was a posh hotel suite in Argentina and the agenda was an extramarital affair with 43 year old María Belén Chapur. She is a divorced mother of two with a University degree on International Affairs (figures) who lives in the upscale district of Palermo and works as a commodity broker for an international agricultural firm. Maybe Sanford should send the McMahon, Fawcett, Jackson, and Mays families money in lieu of flowers as thanks?
The "King of Infomercials" has died. The burly, black-bearded ultimate "yell
and sell" pitchman, Billy Mays, passed away today at the age of 50 in his
sleep as reported on Twitter by his son. Your editor is actually more
shocked at his passing than Michele Jackson's. He was just watching the last
few episodes of the Discovery Channel's Pitchmen with Billy Mays and Anthony
Sullivan...wow, Billy could sell ice to Eskimos! When will the
celebrity death
watch clock stop!!!
Could someone
please say a
prayer for
Patrick Swayze.
Looks like Billy was on a USAir flight on Saturday that made a rough landing and blew two front tires. According to the FAA, Billy wasn't wearing his seat belt and might have hit his head on the overhead luggage compartment bin on landing or something up there just dropped on him. When he went to bed, he told his wife that he wasn't feeling well and that his head hurt. Didn't Natasha Richardson die of a head injury when she fell taking a skiing lesson?...dam "epidural hematoma due to blunt impact to the head"...what a tragedy.
As Paper Lace and Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods sang:
"Billy, don't
be a hero! Don't
be a fool with
your life!
"Billy, don't
be a hero! Come
back and make me
your wife!
"And as he
started to go,
she said,
'Billy, keep
your pretty head
low!'
"Billy, don't
be a hero! Come
back to me!"
Buckle up in the air and on the ground!!
You can finally RIP Billy...we'll miss ya!
Looks like Billy was on a USAir flight on Saturday that made a rough landing and blew two front tires. According to the FAA, Billy wasn't wearing his seat belt and might have hit his head on the overhead luggage compartment bin on landing or something up there just dropped on him. When he went to bed, he told his wife that he wasn't feeling well and that his head hurt. Didn't Natasha Richardson die of a head injury when she fell taking a skiing lesson?...dam "epidural hematoma due to blunt impact to the head"...what a tragedy.
As Paper Lace and Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods sang:
Buckle up in the air and on the ground!!
You can finally RIP Billy...we'll miss ya!
Saturday, June
27, 2009
Michael Jackson's passing was quite a shock to the world. When reached for comment, the family had no comment since Bubbles the Chimp remains in seclusion at this time.
On the lighter side, the Jackson 5 can now tour again with Latoya joining the group. Who would have ever thought we'd ever type HER name again. The biggest problem will be fitting her huge breasts on the tour bus. "Tito, back the truck up".
How much do you want to bet that the "mother" of Michael Jackson's children is going over her legal agreement with him regarding the children, wanting more money and trying to find a way to "Beat It"?
Thank you Michael for your legacy and talent as an entertainer. You painted an enduring picture of how such a voice and dancing style could come out of one so very young that you will never be forgotten. You succeeded and even rose above all the travails that came with being a celebrity. The outrageous stories, behaviors and endless jokes (hand raised) never stopped you from truly becoming the "King of Pop". Your vision of music videos took the genre to a whole new level and even the red leather jacket you wore became a hit! Michael, you will be the "Thriller" that changed the music scene forever.
Farrah Fawcett was the most well known and arguably the hottest Charlie's Angel of the three. C'mon... who didn't have that poster? She became a serious and respected actress later in her career, sadly has passed away after a long battle with cancer. Remember Zuzu...did someone hear a bell ring?
As the song should have been written: "Heaven must have needed another Angel". Bye Farrah, you will always be remembered by this 15 year old.
On a side note, an unnamed writer here at TDJR actually won an award back in the Charlie's Angels era. It was kind of an embarrassing yet proud achievement but an award nevertheless. He received first place honors for holding up Farrah Fawcett's poster the most times one handed.
Michael Jackson's passing was quite a shock to the world. When reached for comment, the family had no comment since Bubbles the Chimp remains in seclusion at this time.
On the lighter side, the Jackson 5 can now tour again with Latoya joining the group. Who would have ever thought we'd ever type HER name again. The biggest problem will be fitting her huge breasts on the tour bus. "Tito, back the truck up".
How much do you want to bet that the "mother" of Michael Jackson's children is going over her legal agreement with him regarding the children, wanting more money and trying to find a way to "Beat It"?
Thank you Michael for your legacy and talent as an entertainer. You painted an enduring picture of how such a voice and dancing style could come out of one so very young that you will never be forgotten. You succeeded and even rose above all the travails that came with being a celebrity. The outrageous stories, behaviors and endless jokes (hand raised) never stopped you from truly becoming the "King of Pop". Your vision of music videos took the genre to a whole new level and even the red leather jacket you wore became a hit! Michael, you will be the "Thriller" that changed the music scene forever.
Farrah Fawcett was the most well known and arguably the hottest Charlie's Angel of the three. C'mon... who didn't have that poster? She became a serious and respected actress later in her career, sadly has passed away after a long battle with cancer. Remember Zuzu...did someone hear a bell ring?
As the song should have been written: "Heaven must have needed another Angel". Bye Farrah, you will always be remembered by this 15 year old.
On a side note, an unnamed writer here at TDJR actually won an award back in the Charlie's Angels era. It was kind of an embarrassing yet proud achievement but an award nevertheless. He received first place honors for holding up Farrah Fawcett's poster the most times one handed.
The final curtain has also been lowered on Ed McMahon, actor, comedian, game show host, announcer, author and spokesman. He passed away on Tuesday at the age of 86. He died from several medical conditions but a TDJR source says Succubus Syndrome finally did him in. Since 1992, his third demon wife Pam, had been sucking the life out of him and his back accounts, leaving him penniless and in great debt.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Michael
Jackson has
died at the
age of 50.
He was a
"Thriller"
but at times
"Off The
Wall",
"Dangerous"
and "Bad"
but will
always be
"Invincible".
May he Rest
in Peace.
I'm not
going to
spend
My life being a color
Don't tell me you agree with me
When I saw you kicking dirt in my eye
But, if you're thinkin' about my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white.
Michael Jackson
Black or White, from the album Dangerous
My life being a color
Don't tell me you agree with me
When I saw you kicking dirt in my eye
But, if you're thinkin' about my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white.
Michael Jackson
Black or White, from the album Dangerous
Also RIP
Farah
Fawcett
where now
she is with
the real
Angels and a
final Hi-Hoe
to Ed
McMahon.
Wow...deaths
do come in
threes.
Thursday, June
25, 2009
The people in Iran are so angry over their alleged fixed presidential election that they're getting confused. They want things to go back to the way they were before the Ayatollahs revolution in 1979 when the ruling Monarch of their country, their beloved Shaw, was overthrown after centuries of rule. Bottom line..."They want their Shaw back". Unfortunately, Iran is presently Shaw-less. Khomeini - Kapooy. No more Presidents in bad "Members Only" jackets We need someone with big shoes to fill the job. What to do? Simple...no Shaw, get Shaq. Shaq is ready to assume the dictatorship as soon as a few contractual issues can be worked out. Shaq must have his face painted on every available flat surface, a stipulation for those 70 virgins before he dies and a 10 year guaranteed no coups clause. (Sticking point is a no rapping issue.)
The People of Iran and the world are already praising the move saying that this will be Iran's "Shaw - Shaq Redemption".
Recently, someone in TDJR mailroom downloaded one of those free new cursors online. It was one of those happy smiley faces pages with all different options. The only problem with these cursors was when you clicked the cute happy face, it wouldn't click, it would go: "Yeah Mother F*%&$r", "Sh%t Head", "As*Hole", "C*%$ and Whore", Lick My B%lls" and "Kiss My F&%$king As$, You Stupid Mother F$%&?r". So much for free cursors cause you get what you pay for."
Monday, June 15, 2009
Our girl Susan Boyle continues to amaze. When most critics thought she was down and out, she sang her two signatures songs to a sold-out opening night crowd on Britain's Got Talent Live 2009 Tour this past Friday night. It looks like she may not be performing at all the shows though. She sang again on Saturday but took Sunday off and rejoined the show on Monday to rest her voice. After the twenty night, twenty six show tour, she is slated to record her album which comes out Christmas 2009. We think the fat lady did come out and sing but this time it's only the beginning and a really good thing.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Today marks another historical milestone that will join the ranks of the telephone, penicillin and online porn...it's the cutover to Digital Television. Today is finally the day, it was originally slated for February 17 but the government gave us four more months to procrastinate, when over 2.2 million households will be turning on their TV sets to static snow or cursing the day that they ever invented DTV. All they have to do is get up from their easy chairs and keep rescanning the DTV and readjusting the dam antenna on their new $40 government subsidized Digital Whatchamacallit. The change is supposed to bring dramatically clearer pictures, better sound quality and more free channels that many may not be able to receive. Digital signals aren’t as forgiving as analog ones folks. People in big cities with tall buildings, traffic and just plain people milling around will be saying "I Don't Want My DTV!!!" You can buy a new zillion dollar DTV but if you don't have a good antenna pointed in the right direction...forgetaboutit!!! If you could not get a good analog signal before the switch, don't expect any digital miracles. Who would believe a laughable set of crappy rabbit ears could make it or break it for us. The only people that will be happy are the satellite dish and cable companies that will be increasing their business dollars and yes, the government that will make billions of dollars on selling that now unused analog TV bandwidth. The government will free up that scarce and variable spectrum for public safety and new wireless services. Didn't technology improve the quality of music with the advent of the CD over the LP...wait a minute...aren't LPs making a comeback!! Please stay tuned for a heap of DTV problems. Hope they don't screw up radio too and oh yeah, what time is "Winky Dink and You" on, we wanna draw on our analog TV screens with a crayon? Maybe "My Favorite Martian" will be getting a good DTV signal. Viva Technology!!!
The people in Iran are so angry over their alleged fixed presidential election that they're getting confused. They want things to go back to the way they were before the Ayatollahs revolution in 1979 when the ruling Monarch of their country, their beloved Shaw, was overthrown after centuries of rule. Bottom line..."They want their Shaw back". Unfortunately, Iran is presently Shaw-less. Khomeini - Kapooy. No more Presidents in bad "Members Only" jackets We need someone with big shoes to fill the job. What to do? Simple...no Shaw, get Shaq. Shaq is ready to assume the dictatorship as soon as a few contractual issues can be worked out. Shaq must have his face painted on every available flat surface, a stipulation for those 70 virgins before he dies and a 10 year guaranteed no coups clause. (Sticking point is a no rapping issue.)
The People of Iran and the world are already praising the move saying that this will be Iran's "Shaw - Shaq Redemption".
Recently, someone in TDJR mailroom downloaded one of those free new cursors online. It was one of those happy smiley faces pages with all different options. The only problem with these cursors was when you clicked the cute happy face, it wouldn't click, it would go: "Yeah Mother F*%&$r", "Sh%t Head", "As*Hole", "C*%$ and Whore", Lick My B%lls" and "Kiss My F&%$king As$, You Stupid Mother F$%&?r". So much for free cursors cause you get what you pay for."
Monday, June 15, 2009
Our girl Susan Boyle continues to amaze. When most critics thought she was down and out, she sang her two signatures songs to a sold-out opening night crowd on Britain's Got Talent Live 2009 Tour this past Friday night. It looks like she may not be performing at all the shows though. She sang again on Saturday but took Sunday off and rejoined the show on Monday to rest her voice. After the twenty night, twenty six show tour, she is slated to record her album which comes out Christmas 2009. We think the fat lady did come out and sing but this time it's only the beginning and a really good thing.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Today marks another historical milestone that will join the ranks of the telephone, penicillin and online porn...it's the cutover to Digital Television. Today is finally the day, it was originally slated for February 17 but the government gave us four more months to procrastinate, when over 2.2 million households will be turning on their TV sets to static snow or cursing the day that they ever invented DTV. All they have to do is get up from their easy chairs and keep rescanning the DTV and readjusting the dam antenna on their new $40 government subsidized Digital Whatchamacallit. The change is supposed to bring dramatically clearer pictures, better sound quality and more free channels that many may not be able to receive. Digital signals aren’t as forgiving as analog ones folks. People in big cities with tall buildings, traffic and just plain people milling around will be saying "I Don't Want My DTV!!!" You can buy a new zillion dollar DTV but if you don't have a good antenna pointed in the right direction...forgetaboutit!!! If you could not get a good analog signal before the switch, don't expect any digital miracles. Who would believe a laughable set of crappy rabbit ears could make it or break it for us. The only people that will be happy are the satellite dish and cable companies that will be increasing their business dollars and yes, the government that will make billions of dollars on selling that now unused analog TV bandwidth. The government will free up that scarce and variable spectrum for public safety and new wireless services. Didn't technology improve the quality of music with the advent of the CD over the LP...wait a minute...aren't LPs making a comeback!! Please stay tuned for a heap of DTV problems. Hope they don't screw up radio too and oh yeah, what time is "Winky Dink and You" on, we wanna draw on our analog TV screens with a crayon? Maybe "My Favorite Martian" will be getting a good DTV signal. Viva Technology!!!
Speaking of
technology...have
you Binged
yet?? OK,
it's not a
variety of
cherries, an
old time
movie
crooner or a
semi-funny
sitcom
character
but a new
search
engine from
Microsoft...like
the old one
is broke.
Bing.com is
trying to
compete with
the likes of
the behemoth
Google and
the other
search
engine no
one ever
uses for our
search
engine
eyeballs and
dollars. OK,
no one can
be
everything
to everyone
and do it
right except
for
God...OK...maybe
Apple and
Google think
that they
are pretty
dam close!!!
Wonder what
the iPhone
4GS is gonna
be
like…maybe
we should
ask Google?
Since we're on the technology bandwagon, on Tuesday, Microsoft issued 31 security patches to its Windows operating systems, Internet Explorer browser and Office products which beat their previous record in December of 29. Wow...some record to be proud of and you thought Windows Vista was lame!! Maybe those Apple commercials might be right after all. At TDJR, we may be downgrading to an abacus sooner than we thought!!!
Since we're on the technology bandwagon, on Tuesday, Microsoft issued 31 security patches to its Windows operating systems, Internet Explorer browser and Office products which beat their previous record in December of 29. Wow...some record to be proud of and you thought Windows Vista was lame!! Maybe those Apple commercials might be right after all. At TDJR, we may be downgrading to an abacus sooner than we thought!!!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Apple announced that their iPhone GS is now only $99...so affordable you can now call it YourPhone or maybe MyPhone or IOwnaPhone?
Apple has reduced their iPhone GS price to $99, now everyone will be "eyeing" a phone.
For $99, you can get an hour massage, dinner for two or now an iPhone which is guaranteed to have a happy ending. OK, we can almost guess that there is an app for that too.
If we were in Roman times, the price of the iPhone would be built into the name and called the XCIXphone.
A $99 iPhone? It can be thought of by some investors as being very similar to someone who let's say bought 200 shares of Apple stock when it was just coming down from the low 200's and bought in at $180 a share. A temporary sell off, he figured. No need to worry, iPhone GS is coming. Steve Jobs health is not a real problem, overblown media reports looking for an angle or just to go after Apple. So while Steve Jobs illness gets worse and you still think it's just from some bad calms he ate at Fisherman's Wharf, the stock plummets to 80, margin calls abound, you finally sell. You do the math. It's not pretty. The point of this? When the iPhone made its debut two years ago, eager Apple fans had to shell out $499 for a 4-gigabyte version and $599 for 8 gigs. They gloated, waited in long lines and thought it was going to be the best thing ever. At that time it probably was and is still groundbreaking. Then, one year later, the 3G model arrives, with faster internet speeds, more features and thinner. Yes, that 8-gigabyte iPhone 3G amid great fanfare worldwide, will now cost you $99, down from $199. Finally (and we doubt it), the iPhone 3GS has arrived, with a faster processor, longer battery life and more features like voice commands, camera and a compass for just $199 for the 16-gigabyte or $299 for the 32-gigabyte model. OK, it makes an unnamed person here at TDJR feel just a little bit better.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
It seems that some people feel that with all the fanfare that she has brought with her, Susan Boyle, as she was known, rides into obscurity in a fat suit of shame but this is just untrue. Inside sources have told TDJR that it comes as just another attempt at dressing up Tyra Banks in her famous fat suit from her TV show. She wanted to see not just the treatment fat people get but this time she went for homely, matronly and fat people who can sing like angels. We guess, somewhere, there may be a lot of them. Anyway, upon discovery, we have only one question: God, how is it you can give Tyra Banks beautiful looks, a kick ass body and now we find out that she can sing like an angel. Come on, this S%#T just ain't right!
It's been three days since Dick Cheney has been on TV giving an interview about torture and...what the! No way! It's actually been three whole days? We thought something didn't feel right but knew Cheney didn't ever have that much pull. It didn't make sense and fit until we heard that once again Brett Favre was considering coming out of retirement.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Contrary to
popular demand
and unpopular
rumors written
in TDJR,
Entertainment
Tonight TV, our
second source of
information
after Wikipedia,
has word from
Michelle Obama's
press secretary,
saying, "It's
actually not
true." Susan
Boyle has not
been invited to
the White House
for any 4th of
July
celebrations.
Oh well, ice cream, apple pie and the American Flag could not have gotten this done. Maybe New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the third most influential person in Susan Boyle's eyes after the Queen and President Obama, can invite Susan to sing during their July 4th celebration...but not gonna start a rumor here. Her appearance would bring in a boat load of publicity and good karma to the City and the Mayor during his reelection campaign.
We need to
mobilize TDJR
Army fast: Could
some of our
loyal readers
please call 311
or send an email
or call the NYC
Mayor's Office
and say "I Want
My Susan Boyle
on July
4th...I'm Mad As
Hell and I Can't
Take It
Anymore!"...or
something like
that but thanks.
Thursday, June, 4, 2009
We promise that we won't change the name of our site to TheSusanBoyleReport.Com. Our joke writers are either literally or figuratively on vacation so your editor just wants to keep you updated on what's going on with our girl Sue-Bo since he still has a touch of Susan Boyle Mania, hates empty white column space and Susan's 15 minutes of fame aren't over yet.
Susan is recovering nicely after her anxiety attack but may not be joining the other finalists in Britain's Got Talent 2009 tour starting June 12. Simon Cowell has been reported as saying that he is not holding her to any contractual obligations at this time. Wow...the guy in the Hanes t-shirts does have a heart! The UK ticket buyers must be real apprehensive with the lineup and hopefully don't do a TicketMaster-like revolt if she doesn't show up.
Fantastic news
(OK, it may be
just a rumor and
not be true but
we can still
believe and I
Dreamed a
Dream...OK...We
swear we won't
sing that song
again) has come
from across the
pond from the
brother of
Susan Boyle.
Yes, the #1
leader of the
free world, yes,
Mr. "Yes We Can"
and Mr. "Change
We Can Believe
In", President
Barack Obama has
invited Susan to
sing for him at
the White House
as part of our
Independence Day
celebrations on
July 4th. He is
one of her
biggest fans and
it would be a
fitting tribute
since she lost
out on her dream
to sing for her
Queen so now she
can come and
sing for our
King. Let's
hope Susan feels
well enough to
accept the
invitation.
Susan was actually invited to the US once before as a guest at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner in May by numerous networks but the show rules prevented her from attending since none of the acts are allowed to go [overseas] for any events until the show was over. A Susan source says: “She was shocked and thrilled by the invite…She knows she would have been incredibly nervous if she’d gone. But her dream is to sing for President Obama one day. She loves him and thinks he is already a terrific president.” Susan Boyle's brother Gerry put it best by saying "Her dream is still very much alive. In fact, it's only just starting... She's been battered non-stop for the last seven weeks and it has taken its toll. But she'll be looking forward now to the Fourth of July."
Amen! We hope that Pebbles the Cat gets a front row seat to see her mommy perform and give her encouragement. Time to start shopping the CATalogs for some formal attire for both Susan and Pebbles.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Susan Boyle
Update: (compiled
from several
unconfidental
TDJR sources)
Our girl Susan Boyle lost her opportunity on Saturday night to perform at the UK's Royal Variety Performance in front of members of the Royal Family, including the Queen and $162,310 US dollars as she came in second in Britain's Got Talent finale to the high-octane street dance group called Diversity. Three sets of brothers plus a quartet of their friends, aged 12 to 25 and from a range of different ethnic backgrounds beat our 48 year old spinster. The thirteen week UK talent contest unofficially averaged 12.35 million (52.4%) viewers and Saturday night's finale peaked at 19.19 million (76.1%) viewers.
Our girl Susan Boyle lost her opportunity on Saturday night to perform at the UK's Royal Variety Performance in front of members of the Royal Family, including the Queen and $162,310 US dollars as she came in second in Britain's Got Talent finale to the high-octane street dance group called Diversity. Three sets of brothers plus a quartet of their friends, aged 12 to 25 and from a range of different ethnic backgrounds beat our 48 year old spinster. The thirteen week UK talent contest unofficially averaged 12.35 million (52.4%) viewers and Saturday night's finale peaked at 19.19 million (76.1%) viewers.
We do feel badly for Susan Boyle, not because she lost, but that she suffered seven weeks of tremendous pressure before, during and after the competition. During the semi-finals, Susan was taken to a safe house to relax, calm her nerves and get away from all the other contestants, reporters and paparazzi. She was actually taken away by ambulance to recover in a private clinic in London after suffering from a bout of exhaustion after the finale. As she entered the clinic on Sunday, she called out for her beloved cat, wailing ‘Where's Pebbles?’ until medics arranged a phone call to the purring pet allegedly in her Scottish home.
Hopefully, Susan can get it all together, make a comeback and sing her world famous signature song from Les Miserable's "I Dreamed a Dream" once again. Rumor has it that she has a multi-million dollar record deal in the works with Sony Syco records, a blockbuster Hollywood movie, her memories will be published and she will be making TV appearances and endorsements. NBC’s America’s Got Talent, which starts June 23, is trying very hard to get her to appear as a guest performer on one of their shows for almost guaranteed ratings gold.
Her next big immediate feat would be to join the Britain's Got Talent 2009 Tour like they do with the American Idol top 10 finalists. It starts June 12 for a twenty night, 26 show, run throughout the UK...exhausting at any age or mental capacity.
TDJR thinks that there are still no losers in the show, especially producer Simon Cowell who must be singing "I Dreamed a Dream and Susan Boyle Paid Off Big...All the Way to the Bank". By the way, the winners, Diversity, can only dance but not sing so there are no lucrative record contracts on the table for them. So once again, God bless Susan Boyle...ca-ching!!
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