Move over FDR, Churchill and Satlin, we've got a 2009 Summit Meeting to top yours...it's the Beer Summit...held on the White House South Lawn Thursday evening. Yes, our beloved President Obama sat down and enjoyed a cold, frosty mug of Bud Light (thank God it's domestic) to iron out difficulties and misfortunes with assumed own house burglar, crony and Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates who enjoyed a Sam Adams. Also in attendance was Cambridge, Massachusetts beloved protector of the peace, police Sgt. James Crowley who had a Blue Moon (sorry, no clue). Vice President Joe Biden, oh yeah, there is a VP, joined the group with a glass of Buckler, a non-alcoholic beer. We assume that the President and VP can't drink alcohol at the same time in public, just in case they get a little tipsy and mistaken the nuclear launch sequence button for a Staples Easy Button.
CNBC had a discussion yesterday morning on Squawk Box with a Senior Analyst regarding Healthcare. We were watching this thinking no way he is a senior Analyst, this kid looks like he's 15 and a Freshman Analyst at best.
Yesterday, Honeywell announced its earnings and revenues declined 38%. Not only that but their guidance wasn't so good either when they said until the end of their fiscal year please refer to them as "Honey Isn't Doing Well".
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Move over Billy Mays, another commercial TV icon is coming to join ya. Gidget, the retired Taco Bell spokeswoman who convincingly played a male in the late 90's, has died. She passed away Tuesday night of a massive stroke at the age of 15 at her long-time trainers home. Who would forget her famous catchphrases:"¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!", "Drop the Chalupa!", "Viva Gorditas!","Here, lizard lizard lizard..." and "Uh-oh... I think I'm going to need a bigger box". Autopsy and burial information to follow...in lieu of flowers, please send kibble.
Gidget did die happily since Taco Bell never came out with the "Chihuahualupa"... well at least not in here lifetime.
Word has it that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will be giving the Taco Bell Chihuahua's eulogy. Toucan Sam, Charlie the Tuna, McGruff the Crime Dog, the Beggin' Strips Golden Retriever, the Pets.com (AKA 1-800-BAR-NONE) Spokespuppet and Fabio (???) will be acting as pallbearers while the Budweiser Clydesdales will be pulling the horse-drawn hearse.
They say death comes in threes, someone please call the Geico Gecko, hope his insurance is paid up.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
We have to admit at first we thought it was a stupid idea, but not anymore. We like the fact that so many websites are switching to the new “forgot your password” technology when you can't login. This one is great, you click on the link for the password and all of a sudden you hear the voice of Betty White giving you a one word clue to guess what the Password is. Two guesses and you are frozen out of your account for 24 hours. Hope you really didn't want to sell that General Motors.
With all the speculation abounding about Jim Cramer's honesty and flip flopping to help short sellers, is it possible that they are really considering re-naming the part of the show where Cramer doesn't know the stock to...”The Lying Round”?
We cannot believe Al Sharpton found a reason, got in to the Michael Jackson Memorial and actually worked himself into a spot to speak. Wait till he gets back home and has to assemble his posse as he found out that the guy who invented Demerol was a white guy. Oh boy, Oh Lord All Mighty, it's show time. Al's secret? He puts some real stinky stuff under his nose so he doesn't crack himself up saying "I am outraged" when he realizes what he's actually protesting at? A dead white guy? Are the camera's rolling? Are the angry extras here? Is my hair ironed enough? Here he is America’s Raging Bull Sh% t Artist...Al Sharp-Tongue.
Besides Reverend Al, the other infamous, rabble-rousing artist, Reverend Jesse Jackson, did not get to speak at the ceremony at all. He was the first to leap on stage and get his air-time as he huddled in the final farewell hug with the Jackson family. Close-up cameras did indeed verify that he did not use the portable bottle of tears that he slapped on under each eyeball at the split second that he was on camera at President Obama's swearing in ceremony. Mmmm…he must have run out or maybe he's saving them for even a bigger event...when Michael's kids tour as the Jackson Three...Oh my Lord! Here's Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket managed by Joe Jackson...enough said.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Goldman Sachs reported earnings Tuesday morning breaking the forecasts and
reporting income over 2 billion more than expected. People are curious, how much
of it allegedly has come from illegal naked short selling? Hey, remember, all is
not as it seems. On the surface, if you look at Corleone Olive Oil Importers, they
said all their income came from the olive oil business and it was all legal. No
suspicion of illegal wrongdoing either. Makes sense, if we knew someone was
doing something illegal in the markets, the powers that be would stop it...right?
Unless...someone made an offer the SEC couldn't refuse.
We look forward to the cash for clunkers bill. As much as a good idea it may be,
we have read that it has some very specific criteria to meet to qualify.
Such as:
-When shutting your car off, it must continue to run for at least 60 seconds on its
own, with a minimum of at least 3 puffs of explosive gas from the tailpipe.
-One tire must be almost completely bare and have no spare.
(or riding on the donut is also already acceptable.)
-For cold weather drivers only: When frost or snow or any precipitation is frozen on
your windshield, your defroster must not work properly. It will work enough to just
clear a hole no bigger than 10 inches across for the driver to look out of. (Driver
may assist in hole scraping if defroster is completely kaput.)
-For warm weather drivers only: When driving in warm weather, your air conditioningunit must make the car overheat within 15 minutes. A caveat to that requirement is the ability to cool the car down by driving in the heat for 1 hour with your car heater on full blast.
-Windshield wipers must be started manually or have to be operated by a string
from your window.
-Car must have at least 1 tin (no aluminum accepted) vegetable can on the
exhaust system somewhere, keeping a connection attached or a leak muffled.
Use of duct tape on any of previous areas will discount one of the aforementioned
requirements.
-Must have small coin shaped remnant of adhesive in middle of windshield where rear
view mirror once was.
-If when driving at night, your headlights don't illuminate a tree at least 20 feet
high and 30 degrees off the roadway to the left or right, please do not bring your
car in.
-Older cars (real old), at least 1 telephone book on driver’s seat needed for women
to reach the brake or gas pedal.
-If anywhere on the car does it say "Thanks Daddy" or anything of the sort, you
will not qualify, but wait there's more. You shall be rejected and your father’s car
will be given to a recently unemployed auto worker for having the bailout of work
auto.
-One of these three must be used in order to start the vehicle:
a) Screwdriver or Bic pen to allow carburetor to function. (Just function, not
necessarily properly).
b) Manual transmission owners: Must be able to push the car fast enough by
yourself to jump in, turn key, pop the clutch and pray. Repeat as often as you
can.
Automatic transmission owners: After 1 hour, there must still be more
transmission fluid in the vehicle than in the puddle that has leaked out on the
ground.
c) In the attempt to start the auto, one of the following remarks and/or
suggestions must be yelled to the driver or designated "car starter" at some point
before actual ignition occurs:
1- "Give it a little time to charge! You can't try to start it right away".
2-"Stop pumping the gas pedal! Now you got to let it sit, you flooded it".
3- And finally, the ultimate frustration comment, usually coming from the
significant female in the family...
"Are you sure that it's not out of gas ? Did you even check?"
This just in from CNBC this A.M. by Erin Burnett. Steve Liesman, CNBC's
economic expert is a terrific fisherman and has the pictures to prove it. The
pictures were not shown at that time as CNBC was not aware of the sordid nature
of these alleged pictures. Scandalous information will be posted as it occurs.
In a related matter, Fox News has hinted that they also may have some info on
the alleged Steve Liesman scandal. They said that they have in their possession,
pictures of Steve Liesman and a bottlenose dolphin caught in compromising acts.
Please note that these are rumors as of now and until proven to be true, please try
and give Mr. Liesman the benefit of the doubt.
Please note artists rendering of a CSI: Miami scuba diver following the horrified
dolphin for any kind of evidence.
unspeakable acts with a blowfish so deviant we cannot in good conscience even
hint at them here. All we can do is show you a picture of the blowfish in happier days.
Tuesday
July7, 2009
The Wall
Street
Anthem
This just in, Congressman Gary Ackerman has announced that just as soon as he's done grilling the SEC, he'll be available for children's birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs as a Cajun BBQ Chef, Dunk Tank Clown or just appear and verbally abuse the birthday clowns.
We're sure some nitwit at Alcoa is sitting in the boardroom, crying, "Why do we always have to go first when reporting earnings. We don't look good no matter what! It is so unfair". Try not making your stock symbol AA! Boo hoo hoo.
Is it any wonder that with so many people upset with our government and angry and enraged at so many different areas of it, that little might be altered? We think that most of us believe that the fact that so many start with an F that it doesn't stand for Federal anymore. Sure, but what other popular word starts with an F and can mean anger...is it...you know what, it's late, we're tired, F%*k it, we'll think of it tomorrow.
Monday, July 6, 2009
The NFL has announced that the people who know are reporting on an NFL quarterback's demise. The results are not yet fully known and may take some time. So all we can do is sit and wait for what may be a horrific decision that yes, Brett Favre is once again coming out of retirement.
Ex-NFL Quarterback Steve McNair was found in his condo Saturday with apparent gun shot wounds. Steve McNair, whose toughness on the field was hard to be matched, is what makes this so difficult. To make matters worse, it was also announced by the team that it will have to wait for the final results to be verified. By all accounts, it would appear that the quarterback will definitely have to miss the entire coming season. In a related note, he was immediately put on the physically unable to perform list.
Friday, July 3, 2009
If anyone has not seen New York Representative Gary Ackerman's tirade against members of the SEC in Congress recently, it was amazing. Finally someone in those hearing told it like it is, ripped them all new a-holes and totally humiliated them. It was great to see the SEC scum squirm.
Oh we forgot...did we mention that it took someone from New York to do that? Who says New Yorkers aren't nice and helpful.
Reports say that Representative Ackerman's mood may have been set off a bit before the hearing on a recent trip back to discuss things with his constituents. While there, he stopped at his favorite diner, the Flamingo Diner, and ordered his regular, Pastrami on Rye with Mustard. You would have though that Bernie Madoff was sitting next to him and skipped out on the check. Well, in New York, at the Flamingo Diner, it was worse than that. The autographed picture of Telly Savalas actually fell off the wall with his screaming someone in the kitchen screwed up big time and gave him Pastrami on Rye with...MAYO.
A couple of the guys here at TDJR were talking about the “Godfather” the other day. Yeah we know, as soon as you say that the music starts in your head. Anyway, we couldn't remember his name. It was the Italian gentlemen where Michael would go to for his dough and check on how things are going. It wasn't until the evening that a rival family tried to have Don Corleone killed while in the hospital. It was than that Michael told the guy to look tough, wear your hat down so it looks like you have a gun. Maybe the bad guys will drive away...which they did. We got it…the guy who helped save Don Corleone's life and handled the money was Enzo. That's right, Enzo...the Broker.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Is there any doubt when Billy Mays was greeted at the Pearly Gates, all the angels and Heaven itself was adorned in its pristine color of white? It’s a divine spirituality and purification of the white dove echoing the picture of Heaven from the clouds of our youth. Suddenly, screams from a bearded man in a blue shirt throwing oil, grease and tomato sauce on St. Peter's frock were heard assuring him that OxiClean is guaranteed to get the stains out or he'll go to hell.
Do you think when Billy Mays entered Heaven, there was a chance that with it being so divinely pure and clean, he still tried to sell God Kaboom..."100% tough and no obnoxious fumes, Kaboom and the stains are gone"?
If Billy Mays did intend to make it into Heaven, there's one thing he's glad that he never sold...his soul.
Overheard at a recent memorial among pitchmen for the late Billy Mays:
A reading from the Book of Billy Chapter 2 verses 8-14. Upon my entrance into the light and to the great beyond which brought forth the beauty and serenity of Heaven itself, I was overcome with emotion. As was Billy's nature, he didn't want to have to wait on the long line to the Pearly Gates. Billy proceeded to get down and kneel, asking for help at this time. He was not prepared for this. As the others in line came over to him, Billy asked kindly, “Oh gentle souls, may I have the first place in line? This torment is killing me (Billy had not though out all aspects of the pitch) and for my relief, I will give you all my eternal thanks”. The crowd started to disperse, just than a bright twinkle started in Billy's eye. The others turned towards the bright light, Billy rose to one knee and yelled to his fellow recently departed, "AND THAT’S NOT ALL!... If you accept my offer now, I will give you a fake pair of wings so original that the Angel Gabriel couldn't tell them apart. Angels aren't made anymore, so you will be the first on your cloud since the dawn of time to have a pair. You think I'm done? No way, if you order and let me go first, I will personally guarantee that your children, who sadly may not be with you, will not be on the same cloud with Michael Jackson at anytime and on a completely worry free cloud. What, still not convinced. This is it, you want more, and I’ve got more. If you call in the next 10 minutes, Ok I guess call out my name in only 10 minutes, you will get in on this one of a kind, exclusive, Heavenly offer available only here on the registration cloud. You have my word and I’ve got a feeling that lying does not go over big up here. I will go and bring a genuine Superstar of Heaven. Wait, bad choice, someone more important had a rock opera with that name. OK, a movie star, man for all times and a rescue swimmer. That's right it's Clarence. The one and only Clarence from the cult classic film, 'It's a Wonderful Life' will be here to autograph copies of 'Tom Sawyer' just for you. Let's recap. All for just a first place in line, you get all of the following: An amazing replica of Angel wings, a guarantee of no children on a cloud with Michael Jackson and the part that no one thought was possible. So hard and yet, it is free. Well, it is Heaven you know. I cannot believe I am about to say this again. A FREE autographed copy of 'Tom Sawyer' by Clarence the Angel himself; he'll be right here, new wings and all. So don't delay, even though you have eternity, don't waste it, order now. When I get in, I promise to put a good word in for all of you as thanks for your assistance". And just like that, the gates opened and Billy with his new found first place in line walked in, amazed, like he was walking on air. As he continued, the last they saw of Billy was him disappearing into a cloud. White and bright, yet calming and didn't hurt to gaze into. All Billy could think was OxiClean. One could only assume that this was Billy's chance to meet his maker, tell him about the life of hope he gave to others and show his worthiness. In a short while, echoing through the heavens, a voice started getting softer and softer as if drifting off further and further somewhere in the Heavens. As the others went off to determine their own Destinies, all they recall hearing is the distinct sound of a falling voice, a voice belonging to Billy Mays, pleading while dropping further and further away, yelling yet again and possibly for the last time...BUT WAIT, THERE'S M
O
R
E
This is the way of the Awesome Auger and the Mighty Mendit. Thanks be to As Seen on TV.
What did Michael Jackson and Billy Mays have in common? When Billy Mays said “Order Now” he was selling something but when Michael Jackson said “Order Now” he was talking about his Demerol supply.
Six Flags, operator of amusement parks, had to file for bankruptcy protection despite its cost cutting measures. Most startling was the surprise that the company changed to the less expensive dental plan used by the carny's and issued by their union “The Carnival Workers and Chew Spitting Professionals Brothers and Sisters United”. If you have been to a carnival and took a good look at your ride operator, you will know why the carny plan was so cheap since they charge by the tooth! Carrying a 5 tooth deductible, most members didn't even qualify.
With today marking the first day of July, it is the end of the first half on Wall Street. So it's now time for the half-time show featuring a tribute to technical analysis as performed by the Bollinger Band, a band that is Head and Shoulders above the rest. The pivotal point of the show will be a performance of Fibonacci’s Candlestick opera. The shocking finale of the night will be a surprise performance of a tune rewritten just for him. A song written just before his recent health scare which he feels he can now have a little fun with. Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, the new recipient of a transplanted liver, Steve Jobs singing a parody of the “Wing's” hit from a James Bond film, of a similar name..."If I Don't Get a Liver, I'll Die”.
Thank you and move over Billy Mays, here we come.
More on Billy Mays, Michael Jackson (like we need to hear more about him), Farrah Fawcett and even Bernard Madoff in our June '09 Archive page...please go take a look.
 Missed some laughs? Go back to The File Cabinet Archive here! |
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