TheDowJokesReport.Com - January '08 Archive
 TDJR Bull
 The contents of one of the many secret file cabinets here at TheDowJokesReport.Com
Happy New Year and Many Happy Returns!!


 
January 28, 2008


As we all know, Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has pulled out of the race.  He has also said that he and his voter were not going to endorse any of the other 2 candidates.

 I am so intrigued by this fairly new American Express Blue commercial. It is the one where the guy opens up his mail early in the morning, calls American Express and talks to the cute girl in her cubicle.  He talks on his cell phone while brushing his teeth, making French toast, going to work, in the middle of a business meeting, having lunch, the gym after work and finally getting home at night and still talking.  I say the heck with the credit card, I want to know what cell phone he's using that has a battery that can last a whole day!  The CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, has announced that she will be leaving the company.  She said she knew it was time when she, the boss of the company herself, got outbid and lost an auction for an official replica of a 'Pluto Nash' poster.

 Why are the people in the Cartridge World commercial so overly happy when they get to print something?

 Did the fashion department at CNBC all go blind like the rooster in that cold remedy commercial today?  My God, the pretty and always finely dressed Rebecca Jarvis is wearing a jacket too small for her that her shirt sticks out the bottom.  Worse yet, what in the world is the always beautiful looking Erin Burnett wearing? It looks like something she picked up at the local Desert Mart Camel Blanket and Designer Dress Shop while in Dubai.

January, 24, 2008

Yesterday, the Dow Jones had a unbelievable 600 point swing. It started out 300 down and rallied to an almost 300 high. Which may be impressive to some but not when you compare it to Star Jones cholesterol level before her stomach stapling surgery.

We have finally discovered the reason for all the price drops in the market, the lost billions and panic. It's all Staples fault! Not the store Staples but the head writer at TDJR, Billy Staples. He watches CNBC all day and it turns out that was not good for the market. He finally had enough today with the continued decline in his stocks and shut the TV off in disgust just before 3PM. What happens, the biggest rally in years!! It has all been Staples' fault. We have now unplugged all the TV's during the trading hours and he is stuck at trying to find the web page with the Turkish stock market. (Fast Money said Turkey had one.)

We think the market is like an alcoholic. It has to reach its bottom before it can begin to recover.

Holy Mackerel, somebody won a free makeover. It's Karen L. Finerman, CNBC talent and  hedge fund guru.  Damn, we thought she looked good now, kind of nostalgic to what we all looked like circa de 80's. Love the Annie Hall look but wasn't that in the 70's??? 

Separated at Birth???

 Karen L. Finerman         Elayne Boosler       Larry Fine
Karen L. Finerman    Elayne Boosler        Larry Fine

Karen L. Finerman is a regular on CNBCs 'Fast Money' and owner of Metropolitan Capital Advisors hedge fund.  Fast Money is the fastest growing financial show on TV.  Karen is a huge part of the shows success and we hope that she has a good sense of humor to go along with her smarts.  She has been President of Metropolitan Capital Advisors, Inc. since 1992 when she co-founded the firm.  Prior to June 1992, she was the Lead Research Analyst for the Risk Arbitrage department at Donaldson, Lufkin & Jenrette Securities Corporation.  Prior to joining DLJ in 1990, Karen was a trader at First City Capital, a risk arbitrage fund for the Belzberg Family.    

January 23, 2008

Starbucks has announced a new promotion featuring a cup of their high end coffee for only one dollar. That's great but they didn't mention that mild is going to go for 5 bucks for regular and 10 bucks if you drink it light.

It was so cool to see Jim Cramer on Celebrity Apprentice. We were disappointed he didn't say much and also surprised that on his show he wears nicely tailored suits. Where in the hell did he get those droopy looking your a big boy now pants from?

Watching the madness on CNBC on Tuesday was something that has never seen before. We got a kick out of CNBC though. This was their Super Bowl coverage! Did you notice how every anchor or reporter was there?

We really enjoy when they interview Jim Cashen, the older gentleman who has been there for 40-50 years. He is always seemingly so cranky, he reminds us of the old guys sitting in the balcony on the Muppets.

(We apologize if we got his name wrong, but they talk to him too early, the first bloody Mary hasn't kicked in yet here at TDJR World HQ.)

We are starting to realize all these know the right stock to pick pundits, never admit the next day they blew it. It's like they all become Fonzie on 'Happy Days', when he try's to say, "I was wr...wr...wro. (He can't say wrong people who didn't watch it.)

January 22, 2008

Selected stocks that compromise a selective ETF following as close as possible to that of Jim Cramer and his CNBC Television "Mad Money".

(Please remember, that is in no way an investment tool or to be considered any sort of professional advice. If you choose to invest your money in this thing or any of its stocks and lose, it is your own damn fault. You deserve to lose money.

Jim Cramer and his CNBC Television "Mad Money" ETF

EL WU D NJ        BOO Y A     SC EE D ADY     CRA MER         MAD MON EE

LGHT NG R ND         CH EEP SC OTT CH         GOLD MAN SKS         TRA D NG GDS

MON BAK   CRA MER ICA

 Actual Stock Symbols 

ENG - Englobal      EL - Estee Lauder     WU - Western Union   
D - Dominican Resources     NJ - Nidec Corp

BOO - Sport Supply Group    Y - Allegheny Corp.     A - Agilent Tech.    
SC - Royal Dutch Shell     EE - El Paso Electric

ADY - American Dairy         CRA - Celera Group    MER - Merryl Lynch   
MAD - Madeco SA     MON - Monsanto

LGHT - Light House Bank         NG - NovaGold Resources        CH - Chile Fund    
OTT - Otelco     EEP - Embridge Energy Partners

GOLD - Randgold Ind.     SKS - Saks Inc.     TRA - Terra Industries    
GDS - CBOE Index     MAN - Manpower Inc.

BAK - Braskem SC     R - Ryder Systems    
ND - CME:Index Options & Options Market    ICA - Empresas ICA Soc Con

  January 14, 2008

The NASDAQ has only been up one day since New Year’s, that’s almost as long a record of bad results as is Bush's approval rating. Ok…not that close.  We'd have to add Enron, the Yankees losing four straight playoff games to the Boston Red Sox in 2004 and of course...Godfather 3.

 

The Golden Globes cancelled their ceremony this year because none of the 'A' list celebrities would cross the picket line of the striking Writers Guild.  If the Golden Globes wants’ to say that’s the reason, fine.  All we know is that they give out hundreds of those Golden Globe trophies...and have you seen how expensive gold is lately?

After over 7 years in office, George Bush still doesn't have a clue. He said that his trip to Israel was fruitful and he was proud to be able to help put our economy back on its feet.  President Bush also claimed that it will help out many of our faltering financial institutions and looked forward to the day when the West Bank expanded and opened a branch in the USA.

 

On the night that Britney Spears was rushed to the hospital after having some sort of nervous melt down or something, We knew something wasn’t right.  As soon as we heard that Dr. Phil was there to treat her at the family’s behest, we were pretty sure the family didn’t want Dr. Phil lying about their meeting and blabbing his stupid hillbilly dumb ass immediately to the press.  Well what do you expect, from an unlicensed therapist and host of “The Dr. Phil of Crap Show?”

 

It’s starting to get serious time for Britney Spears.  She is making her ex, K-Fed seem like the normal, responsible one.

 

Seriously, this girl has had almost as many meltdowns as a 24 hour ‘China Syndrome’ Marathon.  (Did you really need to shoot Jack Lemon in every movie?)

 

Rick Salomon, the future Mr. Ex Pamela Anderson Lee Rock, camera operator and participant in the famous Paris Hilton video, managed to impregnate Ms. Anderson and not get it on camera.  He said not to worry.  He taped little cameras on the heads of millions of his little swimming baby makers.  They split up right after that and she went back to one of her ex’s. That wasn’t bad until he found out that they were left somewhere at Kid Rock's house! Maybe he'll have to split the DVD rights with him?

 

Warner Bros. and other major studios have decided to distribute their movies on Blu-Ray and not Hi Def.  We are not even sure what that is.  Households already have a cable box, surround sound amplifier, CD player, DVD Player, Hi-Def movie thing, DVD burner, mini disc and just in case, a VHS all piled on top of each other, resting atop the television.  If we have to add one more box, it’s going to be like playing a game of Ker-Plunk!  Remember…if all the gadgets fall, you lose it all.  You’re only sunk, if they go Ker-Plunk. (Or in this case a spark filled metallic crash.)

 Quarterback Eli Manning and the NY Giants defeated the favored Dallas Cowboys and will play next week in freezing cold Green Bay.  Don’t feel too bad for all the Dallas players though. Easy bet that next week's quarterback Tony Romo will be playing in Jessica Simpson’s soft and warm…insert your own Jessica Simpson item or body part here.

 Look at the new ‘Fast Money’ promo shot, the one with the 5 of them just sitting in their respective seats looking straight ahead at the camera.  After seeing that, we couldn’t help but wonder.  Did they avoid taking a new photo?  Did they Photoshop out Eric Bollings head and replace it with one of the ‘Half Baked’ brothers, Pete Najarian?

 TDJR is sorry, we did not intend to be just like that house on your block that keeps its Christmas lights up until mid summer.  We will take down our Christmas and Holiday decorations and ads as soon as we get our head writer in from off the ledge.  (He reads 1 book and he knows stocks.)

 Each day, the brilliantly talented and infamous Jim Cramer, starts his show by saying he has over 2,000 stocks in his head. Well, in the case of many electroshock therapy patients, they start their day by mumbling, drooling and remembering that they had 2,000 shocks to their head. Gee...maybe it’s just General Electric that's making any money on them!

 ETF’s or Exchange Traded Funds popularity and availability has grown tremendously in the past year or so.  There are now so many, some ETF’s are actually running out of ideas.  All they need is about 10 - 20 companies that are somehow similar in some fashion.  Recently, Squawk on the Street was mentioning some that were based on foods found in your refrigerator.  For example, that would give you a list of companies that made the items in your fridge, like Heinz, Anheuser-Busch, left over Taco Bell, so you would have YUM.  You get the idea.

Well, we at TDJR have come to the ETF rescue.  We will now be offering up our help and expertise.   We have knowledgeable experts who never miss a single episode of ‘The Insider, ‘Entertainment Tonight’ or ‘Extra Extra’ shows.

 If Trump can have Celebrity Apprentice…we now have Celebrity ETF’s…Real Companies for Real Stars.

Our first offering will be an ETF modeled after the recent happenings and career of the lovely, talented and nutzo…Britney Spears.  All of these are real companies and their symbols.  Please feel free to check. 

Anyway, please enjoy our first filing of the Britney Spears ETF.

Please check the index of symbols and companies below the ETF if you like and pardon the vulgarity, they are ONLY symbols:

The Britney Spears, Overexposed, Hottie, Out of Control, Mommy ETF

AA         BABY            BEAS T          BEAV R        BI      BI POL R         BIG T T S  
      
BJ YUM         BUD        
CANT DRIV       HOT MI LF      HOTT BA BE        INS ANE  

                 KFED      
NICE BIG RACK       SYXI          WAKOF ALOT 

 Actual Stock Symbols

AA – Alcoa Aluminum  ALE – Allete Inc.  ALOT – Astro Med Inc.

ANE – American Community Newspapers  BA – Boeing Air

BABY – Natus Medical BE – Bearing Point  BEAS - BEA Systems

BEAV – BE Aerospace  BI – Bell Industries  BIG – Big Lots

BJ - B J’s  BUD – Anheuser Busch  BVERS - Beaver Coal Company

CANT – Carpenter Oil  DRIV – Digital River  HOT – Starwood Hotels

HOTT - Hot Topic  INSU – Insituform Technology

INS – Intelligent Systems Corp  KFED –  KFED Bancorp

LF – Leapfrog Entertainment  MI – Marshall & Ilsley

NFS – Medial Infocus  NICE – Nice Systems  POL – Polyone

R – Ryder Systems  RACK – Rackable Systems  S – Sprint Nextel

SYXI – IXYS Corp. T – A T & T  WAKOF – Wako Securities

X - U S Steel  YUM – YUM Brands

January 4, 2008

Poor Hillary Clinton, finishing 3rd again in the Iowa Republican caucuses...at least this time she wasn't trailing behind Monica Lewinsky.
January 3, 2008

On Wall Street, the most important number today wasn't the Dow, the NASDAQ, S&P or the housing loss...the number was 365. It reflected the last year of Bush's presidency...it's known as the BUM Index...the Bush Unconstitutional Monarchy.


It's too bad that even Santa Claus couldn't fix the sub prime mess and stop all the foreclosures.  Poor Santa Claus, even with his elves working overtime, he ran out of canes.  He didn't have enough to leave behind in all the houses about to be foreclosed.  Unfortunately, because there were so many people on the Naughty List right below the #1 entry Ann Coulter, there was no Miracle from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
(Editors' note: Pun Ditty is aware that Ann Coulter is not responsible for the sub prime mess.  Well, not yet anyway, but no one else even comes close to beating her.)
 
As was mentioned in a previous TDJR, the ball on New Year's Eve was supposed to be dropped from the Citigroup building this year and not Times Square.  There were thousands of people outside the new location in the cold. Our ace reporters found out later that they were there cleaning out their desks. Citigroup had to cancel the event as it seems their electric company bill was never paid.
 
 While watching Dateline: NBC the other evening, they ran one of their most popular segments on the show.  The one where adult men, pretending to be minor aged girls on the Internet setting up 'dates' with older men, supposedly to engage in illegal sexual activities.  The segment is titled 'To Catch a Predator'. All we know, if this segment is that popular, wait for the next one, an actual full length movie called "To Catch a Predator vs. Alien!"
...wait for the scene when the Alien comes to the door to meet the young girl.  As the Alien sits down, drooling from both sets of teeth and lips, Dateline reporter Chris Hansen comes out. Subsequently, upon hearing of their sting, Chris Hansen gets his head severed by the Alien and tea-bagged by both of them.

(Editor's note:  We are not sure if they used Tetley, Lipton or that generic supermarket brand of tea bags.  We will keep you informed of any updates.)

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