Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Speaking of market share, HERB is sitting on a pot of cash, ready to burn it for the launch of their subsidiary MNCH, the symbol for their subsidiary Munch Inc. It will open small markets with limited items, such as, chocolate chip cookies, Slim Jims, sour dill pickles, milk, Milano cookies, peanut butter, any cereal loaded with sugar and funny pictures of strange looking people, aliens or big bugs on them, just no bees. Our market research showed that a favorite movie of our consumers while sampling HERB was the movie “Tommy Boy” and the scene when they jump out of the car screaming…”bees bees they are everywhere, they are tearing at my flesh, save yourselves, your firearms are useless against them” scene too scary and haunting for them at that time. Finally, an aisle full of chocolate syrups, Mallowmars, ingredients for S’mores, cans of little fish that look at you, (just cause they look funny), Pop-Tarts and the full line of Little Debbie snack cakes, cookies, brownies and holiday cakes. Look for the IPO right after New Years, when all those get in shape, lose weight plans go right out the window.
Is race car driver Danica Patrick the new Anna Kournikova? Meaning... girls who have the better chance at appearing almost naked somewhere than they do at winning at their sport? Well we do here that Danica did win a race, but Anna never had to use the word air brushed about her pictures. So what decides? Simple…all we know is that in their respective commercials, we’ve been told that Danica Patrick really did have milk on her lips.
You do have to realize these days that you have to be very careful when picking a screen name. For example: MichaelVickismydog@gmail.com especially if you use it as your main screen name and than something happens and you are stuck with it. Remember guys, when you got drunk and had that Duran Duran tattoo inked on? Well that’s what a bad screen name is like. Remember…be careful out there.
No surprise here, Cardinal Health reported their earnings and once again they are in the red.
Dendreon and its new prostate cancer drug, Provenge, was in the news today.
In the bet the rumor sells the news camp, it has been reported that Priceline’s William Shatner was in negotiations with a small man who couldn’t be seen except for loud screams and the tip of a red pointed hat. Could it be the Travelocity Gnome is in M & A talks with “The Negotiator”?
CNBC has cornered the market on the best pair of Regans/Reagans. Trish Regan and her own pair (soon to be visited by the booby baby fairy…watch out camera man) and Courtney Reagan, who does their news, we think. We can’t really hear her.
Even though there isn’t a vote or contest that we’re aware of, Courtney Reagan has to be one of the women on TV who is not just gorgeous, but no doubt has the cutest damn smile ever! Love you CR…Staples “Mwah”.(Editor’s note...I just puked!)
Les Paul, the inventor and guitar virtuoso, died today from complications due to pneumonia at the age of 94. He loved what he did and he did it until his death. He invented the first solid-body electric guitar, multi-track recording and tape delay. In this case, Les is really More...you were an innovator till the end...RIP.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The new GI Joe movie came out this weekend. We shouldn't say the new, rather the only GI Joe to come out. Every critic tore it to shreds with some of the most horrible use of puns in a movie review ever. GI Joke, GI Joe the Plumber would have been better and "G I wished I didn't have spent 10 bucks to see this". We never in our wildest dreams would have thought that the movie GI Jane deserved an Oscar compared to this piece of crap.
GI Joe was a World War 2 hero who had the coolest Jeep, foot locker and uniforms for show and different carbines (guns kids, rifles). You name the battle or the front and you could get the GI Joe accessories for it (sold separately of course). Especially pathetic is why do they have to make sure special effects are used only in futuristic, super hero movies? What was wrong with that GI Joe had it all, not some futuristic super hero wanna be. He was a soldier and a damn good one. What other soldier had a collection of Barbie doll heads ripped off of their bodies and saved in their foot locker, smiling to the sounds of your sisters crying..."You go GI Joe"!
There are reports of a missing hard drive with new Michael Jackson songs on it. Oh no! Call Al Sharpton? NO! Get Puff Daddy. No one can milk more hits and new music off a friends decaying corpse than he can. Look what he did with Notorious BIG. Honestly, the man had more hits after his death. Truth! Bring in the Diddy. They became main stream. The only Puff anyone knew before that was a magic dragon. Just a good old fashioned drug song for children.
Paula Abdul has officially announced that she is leaving American Idol after not getting the raise she wanted. Hey, the economy's tough all over, even for drug dealers. Ironically, if American Idol is worried about saving money, why in the world would they hire someone, who when going on tour with her bandmates, needed 2 private jets, one for herself and one for her children. Her bandmates rode together in one. Yes, we are speaking about the woman who never wears the same outfit twice...Posh Spice. For Christ's sake, her nickname is POSH. Does that give you a hint?
Regarding a mention in the above, but when exactly did these happen:
When did a pusher become a dealer? (God damn, the dealerman wouldn't have worked in "Easy Rider".) Such a great song! Click here for song and movie clips.
When will Bernie Madoff, the biggest thief in Wall Street history, just be known as a real bad investor?
When do the emerging markets get here?
When did getting to first and second base disappear in "how far" you got with a girl? (not autobiographical)
When did heroin become a kids drug?
When did going on a diet become a television show?
When did a family vacation become a reality show called "The Great American Road Trip"? When we did our family trips, we think we stopped at every "Stuckeys" and was warned by our dad constantly that if we didn't knock it off right now he's turning this car around. That was before we even got out of our neighborhood and onto a highway. Of course, once we were on the highway a bit, it was followed by relentless questioning from my sister and I of "When we gonna get there" or "How much longer" and "Are we there yet" ? Dad knew at a certain point he had to stop the threat of turning around and going home. He was writing down how many miles we got per tankful of gas and made us miss quite a few Stuckeys. That shut us up, now that he knew we had enough gas not to stop yet, we'd just have to wait for the next fill-up for the free pecan log roll. Oh, don't bother saying you had to go to the bathroom. He kept track of fluid intake like NASA's Mission Control with the astronauts. Just hold it" he'd say smiling broadly. We learned to hate those 3 words.
Well, that was an enjoyable little bit of nostalgia brought to you courtesy of The Staples Clan Family Summer Vacations Tour Book. Now available in the brilliant colors of Kodachrome with the View-Master edition coming soon. Wow, that toy is still being sold after 65 years in this digital iPod age!? "Pop, can ya speed up the car a little please...jeepers, I hope we're not in a time machine!"
Saturday, August 08, 2009
India's banks have decided to go on strike and surprisingly there were no massive bank runs. Instead, most of those with lots of money in the bank flooded their travel agents to get tickets to the USA where they really keep all their money. Most people over in the U.S. don't realize that there are so many banks because in the states they're known as convenience stores.
In some good news regarding the strike by India's banks, it appears they have actually hired John Thain. Thain, as you may recall, was the former CEO of Merrill Lynch and previously the CEO of the New York Stock Exchange. He resigned from Merrill Lynch after reports of using company funds not illegally but definitely inappropriately. While Thain has not promised to make India's banks run better, he has guaranteed that before he is done that all of the Banks in India will be remodeled and look a hell of a lot better.
Bill Clinton came back from N. Korea with the two female
American journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who were
jailed for allegedly spying on N. Korea. Former President
Clinton, who besides all the fanfare and accolades was
actually disappointed and let's say lonely. Mr. Clinton was
under the impression that he was sent there to personally
collect the two mail order mistresses he had bought from
their catalog.
It has definitely been proven that pigs are the smartest
animal. The pigs have used the swine flu to their
advantage. While the flu isn't their fault, they still want
their revenge. The pigs have silently arranged that every
vaccination that comes out for the flu also makes people
find the taste and smell of bacon disgustingly unbearable.
Way to go Arnold.
Halt all trading...stop the tickers...pull the plug on the
PC's...It has been confirmed that CNBC had allowed one of
their own to dare and show some actual cleavage...while on
the air. (and no it wasn't Matt Nesto.)
This just in, in an interview with CNBC, SEC head Nancy Shapiro has announced that she will definitely have completed by years end...nothing.
Billy Mays final
autopsy results were released on Friday. While heart disease
was the primary cause of death, the medical examiner listed
cocaine as a "contributory cause". Noooooo, say it ain't so?
Now we know why Billy was so excited about all the
"products". The toxicology tests also showed therapeutic
amounts of the painkillers hydrocodone, oxycodone and
tramadol, as well as the anti-anxiety drugs alprazolam and
diazepam...what no Oxi-Clean? We think the medical
examiner might have actually found a whole lot of BS too.
Friday, August 07, 2009
You may not recognize his face at first, but you’ll probably remember his works as a great American film director, producer and writer. John Hughes, 59, died yesterday of a heart attack while taking a morning walk in New York City during a family visit.
He was responsible for some of the most successful comedy films of the 1980s and 1990s, including National Lampoon's Vacation; Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Weird Science; The Breakfast Club; Sixteen Candles; Pretty in Pink; Planes, Trains and Automobiles; Uncle Buck; Home Alone and its sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and many other lesser known works. He was also responsible in forming the Brat Pack and launched them to stardom.
The best known John Hughes car movie quote comes from Ferris Bueller's Day Off when they borrow dads car: "Look, it’s real simple. Whatever mileage we put on, we'll take off". "How"? "We'll drive home backwards".
From National Lampoon’s Vacation: "Mr. Griswold, if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross-country, this is your automobile: The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it."
"Clark...why are the sandwiches wet?”
Pretty in Pink: "I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek".
Lot’s of other memorable scenes but we at TDJR just wanted to salute his genius and wish him goodbye, on his final work, John Hughes’s Eternal Vacation.
John Hughes...more than 16 candles will always burn in your memory!
Monday, August 03, 2009
In India, due to the drought, more and more farmers are asking their daughters to get naked and plow their fields. It just goes to show you that it doesn't matter where you are, it's all the same. You get a new car and he goes and does this. It just keeps getting harder everyday to keep up with the Patel's.
The idea behind having your daughters plow the fields naked had nothing to do with their complaining of their bikini tan lines but rather an attempt to embarrass the Weather Gods into making it rain. Embarrassed by naked girls and tan lines? We're sorry but how bad do these girls look like naked to make the Gods say, "Enough is enough, I can't take it anymore, put on some clothes, my eyes are burning. Get them dressed and I'll send you a storm cloud. Oh the horror."
Verizon recently announced that their earnings fell so badly that they are going to lay off almost 8,000 people. They might not have to. Just start by getting rid of the "Can you hear me now" guy and the rest of the Verizon Network crew that follows everyone around everywhere. Can you hear me now? Good, I'm on the unemployment line...No it's not bad. I'm standing with the bearded red haired guy that lost all his customers in the same apartment building where he and the guy from the Dish thing live...go figure!
Radio shack reported earnings that were up 15%. We guess pissing people off by always asking them for their zip code is actually an absolutely brilliant marketing tool, either that or people just keep going back to buy something, and when they ask, say " Yes Tandy Man, my zip code is 90210".
American Airlines announced they are going to raise their checked bag fee by an additional $5.00. Are they nuts? Have you seen what people bring on now that they consider carry on? This is crazy, pretty soon people are going to be hiring skycaps to help them with their carry on luggage. Lucky they don't pack themselves.
It has been reported that one of the scariest things that the SEC does is a surprise audit. We think they are reporting the story a bit wrong. It's been reported that when the SEC does an audit and actually catches anyone doing something wrong, it should be a surprise.
This just in, in an interview with CNBC, SEC head Nancy Shapiro has announced that she will definitely have completed by years end...nothing.
You may not recognize his face at first, but you’ll probably remember his works as a great American film director, producer and writer. John Hughes, 59, died yesterday of a heart attack while taking a morning walk in New York City during a family visit.
He was responsible for some of the most successful comedy films of the 1980s and 1990s, including National Lampoon's Vacation; Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Weird Science; The Breakfast Club; Sixteen Candles; Pretty in Pink; Planes, Trains and Automobiles; Uncle Buck; Home Alone and its sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and many other lesser known works. He was also responsible in forming the Brat Pack and launched them to stardom.
The best known John Hughes car movie quote comes from Ferris Bueller's Day Off when they borrow dads car: "Look, it’s real simple. Whatever mileage we put on, we'll take off". "How"? "We'll drive home backwards".
From National Lampoon’s Vacation: "Mr. Griswold, if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross-country, this is your automobile: The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it."
"Clark...why are the sandwiches wet?”
Pretty in Pink: "I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek".
Lot’s of other memorable scenes but we at TDJR just wanted to salute his genius and wish him goodbye, on his final work, John Hughes’s Eternal Vacation.
John Hughes...more than 16 candles will always burn in your memory!
In India, due to the drought, more and more farmers are asking their daughters to get naked and plow their fields. It just goes to show you that it doesn't matter where you are, it's all the same. You get a new car and he goes and does this. It just keeps getting harder everyday to keep up with the Patel's.
The idea behind having your daughters plow the fields naked had nothing to do with their complaining of their bikini tan lines but rather an attempt to embarrass the Weather Gods into making it rain. Embarrassed by naked girls and tan lines? We're sorry but how bad do these girls look like naked to make the Gods say, "Enough is enough, I can't take it anymore, put on some clothes, my eyes are burning. Get them dressed and I'll send you a storm cloud. Oh the horror."
Verizon recently announced that their earnings fell so badly that they are going to lay off almost 8,000 people. They might not have to. Just start by getting rid of the "Can you hear me now" guy and the rest of the Verizon Network crew that follows everyone around everywhere. Can you hear me now? Good, I'm on the unemployment line...No it's not bad. I'm standing with the bearded red haired guy that lost all his customers in the same apartment building where he and the guy from the Dish thing live...go figure!
Radio shack reported earnings that were up 15%. We guess pissing people off by always asking them for their zip code is actually an absolutely brilliant marketing tool, either that or people just keep going back to buy something, and when they ask, say " Yes Tandy Man, my zip code is 90210".
American Airlines announced they are going to raise their checked bag fee by an additional $5.00. Are they nuts? Have you seen what people bring on now that they consider carry on? This is crazy, pretty soon people are going to be hiring skycaps to help them with their carry on luggage. Lucky they don't pack themselves.
It has been reported that one of the scariest things that the SEC does is a surprise audit. We think they are reporting the story a bit wrong. It's been reported that when the SEC does an audit and actually catches anyone doing something wrong, it should be a surprise.
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