Anyone other than us think that the package of Shuffles should
include the necessary forms to fill out when the user falls and
hurts themselves to sue the company?
We heard the next model may use a banana peel so they can fall
more quickly and get their lawsuit money even faster. And boy,
those cheap looking bonus Tub Shuffles sure look safe and effective.
The TDJR actually found another very similar product to Shuffles. We like any product that makes your feet look like Chewbacca's and has a handy red tag for easy storage too. It can also double for Raggedy Ann hair.
It's TDJR jingle time..."Chewie, Chewie, Chewie, I got mop shoes on my footsies and I don't know what to do". OK, cheap Ohio Express/Chewbacca tribute....sorry.
Wow, the Hawaii Chair is an automatic exercise machine which
really looks safe...where's the seat belts? Always wanted to
sit and Hula in an electric chair that sculpts abs. You would
probably sound like you were in a blender on the phone with it
on. Imagine all the keyboard typos and doing a budget in the
chair might help to inflate the numbers nicely. The woman in the
office scene may be getting a bit too excited if you know what
we mean. What's with the hands up position, is it a roller
coaster too or just a holdup? OMG, there's even a knock-off of
the chair out too. OK, we're still singing the Hawaii
Chair jingle in TDJR office..."Take the work out of your
workout, the Hawaii Chair. If you can sit, you can get fit, the
Hawaii Chair." We want to add another stanza..."If you're that
unfit, you deserve this sh*t, the Hawaii Chair."
Stay tuned...more crazy infomercials coming soon from our
cracked staff of researchers.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
www.chiaobama.com
We have a new addition to
the Chia line of products: Chia Pet, Chia Head, Chia Tree, Chia
Gourmet Herb Garden and the Chia Cat Grass Planter. OK, enough
said. It's the Chia Obama, probably not racist and comes in two
poses, Determined or Happy. On the side of the Chia planter
reads his famous slogan "Yes We Can!" The ad tagline reads "Can
you grow it?...Yes you can." (Full growth in 1-2 weeks.)
Unfortunately they're not from TDJR or TheDarkSize.com (dam it).
Get them while they last because they've been pulled from the
shelves of Walgreen's because it's not appropriate for their
company’s corporate image???
“Hail to
the CH- CH- CH- CHIEF”
What other Chia Presidents
have we had in the past? Did the nose on Chia Nixon grow, did
Chia Carter have hair of corn and you know what grew on Chia
Kennedy and Chia Clinton! We wonder if one will be coming out
for The First Lady, Michelle Obama? They may have her in a
sleeveless dress pumping her arms like Popeye??
Hey, it's stimulating the
economy...somehow.
This just in...there is a possibility of the new President's dog Bo getting to become Chia Bo. He'll come with Chia poop bag and babysitter as the kids are already tired of him and want to play with a Gitmo prisoner instead!
BTW...Chia Obama not yet available in the not bow bowing edition.
This just in...there is a possibility of the new President's dog Bo getting to become Chia Bo. He'll come with Chia poop bag and babysitter as the kids are already tired of him and want to play with a Gitmo prisoner instead!
BTW...Chia Obama not yet available in the not bow bowing edition.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Good day, ladies and gentleman and all the ships and
pirates at sea...this just in to the "TDJR Universal
Newsroom"...
According to Ted Turner, a major bombshell about his
ex-wife has just come in...
That's correct. We've got the others major news outlets
licked once again. It turns out that the man of class,
talent and dignity, Henry Fonda, is now rolling in his
grave. His daughter, actress, workout tape queen and we
cannot believe we have to say, Oscar winner, well this
"Best Actress" is known to be an obviously lucky
activist and all around gets people annoyed at her, had
a secret. The Secret?
Ted Turner says
that his ex-wife Ms. Fonda, who while making the workout
tapes with other women, apparently enjoyed getting hot
and sweaty, breathing heavily and screaming with women
off the screen as well. Jane is fonda girls!
As a side note: This
comes to light from Mr. Turner as to why he did not
previously mention her Fondness for the female forbidden
flower of love. The lure of the forbidden, frequently
forgotten fragrance that is foreign to men unless it's
your birthday or they're drunk . Ahh, the fantasy of
female to female fornication.
It was Mr. Turner's desire of his own infidelities with
women during the divorce not to be public knowledge and
fodder for the other side in he divorce proceedings.
How did the scoop of the century, Ted Turner cheating on
his x-wife, not get all the headlines? It had to be an
error or more likely that Raisin Bran admitted to the
cover up. It admitted to using 2 scoops of raisins in
Raisin Bran. All the major new networks found it more
interesting and newsworthy.
Just to let all of our readers know, the TDJR cracked
investigative team will be following up very deeply into
this story. We promise to get to the bottom of this. A
story filed with lies, secrets and love gone wrong. We
will find out why the cover up of the second scoop of
raisins in Raisin Bran was not made immediately public.
We, the consumer of this kind of information that we
mostly get at the supermarket, did not see anything
while on the checkout line. Why was it hidden on the box
and elsewhere?
As we say here:
"At TDJR, we find the news and we don't lie! The truth
in Bill O'Reily's mouth is like a rotting tooth. Where
in spite of the pain, it will stay until it gets yanked
out or dies!"
Sunday, April 19, 2009
CNBC was celebrating its 20th anniversary by actually
ringing the bell that opened the NY Stock Exchange
Friday morning with all of the employees that have been
there from the beginning. When the bell rang, everyone
was applauding vigorously and looked very happy. The
bottom line is that they could care less that CNBC
existed and were only applauding because they still had
jobs.
Times have changed in 20 years since the "Money Honey"
Maria Bartiromo started doing her reports from the
trading floor. Not only have they added computers but
she is now known as the "Dolla Grandma".
We found it very odd while doing our taxes this year,
with all the billions that have gone to AIG, that the
IRS, in all its infinite wisdom, tells us to abbreviate
our income as AGI. Isn't it bad enough that it was
taxpayer money and it stares at us while we're doing our
taxes!
Citibank is really taking a chance by still sticking
with calling the new Mets ballpark CitiField. Look, the
past 2 years the Mets have choked in the last month of
the season. If we were CitiBank, we would have to worry
about September. You see September is not only the end
of the baseball season where the Mets lose all that they
accomplished all year but it also is the end of the 3rd
quarter and the end of their earnings season.
Coincidence we say not!
Tip: Monday August 31...sell, sell sell!!
We have to admit that the Dexatrim commercial with the
thin pretty girl asking us to do we want with old bigger
pants unnerves us a bit. She shows us her standing in a
pair of her huge waist oversize pair of pants. You have
to give her credit for the weight loss if its true. It
also makes us shiver thinking why would anyone want a
pair of pants that a big fat sweaty girl used to wear.
Worse yet is if they have those worn out chafing spots
between the thighs where they rub together (swoosh,
swoosh. swoosh). Fire hazard ahead!!!
Tuesday, April, 14, 2009
We have to admit, this story saddened us more than
expected. With the recent good news of the released
Captain, stocks doing a bit of rallying, and the
return of Jack Bauer's all grown up daughter to
"24", the news of the passing of Mark "The Bird"
Fidyrich really kind of hit home. This guy was the
real deal. Not an act. Not a foolish showman. A
talented kid just being himself. Cleaning the mound
and rubber off with his hand, talking to the ball
was real and entertaining. Unfortunately, now no
one is real anymore. Pumped up on steroids, your
image is more important than the game, players
quitting and no one wanting to be themselves, not in
a long time. There was a time when unique was
something to be treasured and not scowled at and
written about in hundreds of blogs, newspapers and
TV reports.
At the National Audubon Society's request, here is
the eulogy they asked us to pen for them. The
actual story is attached:
The pictures were added just to help us get through this
difficult time together...with Kim.
It's just after midnight here on the East Coast and we've just read a story regarding former Detroit Tigers
pitcher Mark "The Bird" Fidyrich being dead at age 54. Not the gullible
sort, but during his way too short career a lot of people thought he was
just plain cuckoo. We immediately though it was an April Fool's joke but no
such luck, he truly had died. He was probably the last or one of the last
real weird guys that wasn’t an act. All those who knew him agreed, he was
very real, a bit of a loon, but not a poser like almost all latest flock of
millionaires. Guys who wouldn’t even think of getting dirty, cleaning the
pitchers mound with his hand. The only time dirt would get on them was if
they had to duck out of the way to not get hit, of course, they dove for
cover not to get any dirt on him anywhere from his shoes to the beak of his
hat. First year, he hatched one of the best records in the American league
and won the admiration of a flock of fans from every town he pitched in. He
was so good, he was notorious for pitching so hard inside he would break a
number of bats every game or luckily maybe hit a fowl ball or two. His
shortened career was not a lark but rather a victim of the Sports
Illustrated cover curse. Where after appearing on the cover with "Big Bird"
from Sesame Street, (allegedly where his nickname came from his resemblance
to him), his career ended. As tough it is hard to swallow, he was never the
same pitcher again after that!
"Bye Bye Birdie
We're gonna miss you so
Bye Bye Birdie
Why'd you have to go?"
"Bye Bye Birdie
We're gonna miss you so
Bye Bye Birdie
Why'd you have to go?"
Monday, April 13, 2009
Did you hear about the President's new name, President Barack
O-BOW-ma?
The Presidential family is finally getting their new dog. Their
dad has laid down one rule for the puppy and the girls: No one
will be allowed to say BOW-WOW. If they do, the President and
the White House will say it wasn't a bow, just a misstep or
leaning over too far. It has got to make Tonya Harding feel good
that after all this time someone is finally using the old broken
skate lace excuse for screwing up. For the record, not that we
think it would happen, Kid Rock's music is forbidden to be
played anywhere in the White House. BOW-itdaba you mother
F%$&*%$@#
We have given up on watching "Fast Money" and no it isn't
because of Dan Fitzpatrick's appearances. It is because with all
of the excellent stock information and advice, you have to sit
and listen to tired, stale and inside jokes for the staff and
crew. Unfortunately, they're actual live people on the other
side of that camera in their living rooms who see and hear you.
Amazing, isn't it...and you can't see them! WOW, that's just way
cool. We think the "Bald Wonder" should just be known as "Jeff
Hackey". He does do something that we do find hysterical when he
isn't trying to be funny, he's actually OK to listen to. The
only time you want to get rid of the bad jokes is put a suit
jacket on him. As soon as that suit jacket is on, the
transformation occurs. The Jeff Hackey now becomes the "Boy
Wonder" who becomes knowledgeable and interesting.
Dave Arneson, co-creator of the game Dungeons and Dragons has
passed away. We bet we know what part of the game he is at now!
This just in...(OK, it's written on Sunday)...4:36 p.m.
Seriously, we were going to discuss that the Captain of the ship
that was attacked and held hostage by Somali pirates was
rescued. It is major news. We go to Google news and can't find
it, the whole first page is all about the new dog that the
President and his family got.
OK, we are lost in a sense of what is news these days.
Oh, Google just reported that Max Planke has discovered the
basis for quantum physicsand an unknown fellow scientist,
Albert Einstein believed his theory and would further it.
Well it at least puts to rest what kind of dog they were
getting. After a family discussion they all came down to two
names, Hillary or Condoleezza. The family finally decided on
Condoleezza cause the dog ain't got no fankels and we knew Barak
was gonna squeeze Condoleezza back into the administration
somehow.
Move over Rover, let Captain Phillips take over.
Well, what a turn of events. The Captain of the merchant ship
was freed by US Naval forces after bravely succeeding in his 2nd
escape attempt. He is now safe and being hailed a true hero for
the possibility of giving up his life for that of his crew.
So what now do we do with poor Captain...oh what's his name, the
guy with the plane in the Hudson when everyone stood on the
wings? Sandy, no Sally, no that's not right...Sully that was it.
Someone check a clock, time is up we have a new hero in town.
Two Captains Courageous, one of them never to be heard from
again as his 15 minutes of fame and heroics sink slowly to the
bottom of the Hudson...metaphorically speaking.
Sully, maybe if you Ninja starred a few terrorists, did marshal
artist crap and came out with cool one liners like Bruce Willis
did in "Die Hard", you might hang on a bit longer. Nope Sully,
it's over Sully, we hardly new yee.
All hail Captain Phillips. Today's Captain, hero and late night
talk show guest.
The following statement couldn't be more appropriate at this
time when our President bows before another nations leader,
religion or beliefs don't matter...America bows to no one.
(In a serious note, a well done brave job by the Captain, his
crew and the Navy Seal team who bravely risked their lives to
secure the Captains release. America isn't dead. Patriotism is
still here, it just took a little nap. We here at TDJR salute
you all!)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
From now on, the name Bernie Madoff will not be spoken. He will
now be known as Scamdog Billionaire and here is our tribute to him and the Mrs.
Singer Chris Brown, who allegedly beat up his girlfriend Rhianna,
appeared in court today to enter his plea. He brought in the
surprise lawyer, Orville Richard Burrell. He is the Grammy
nominated, Jamaican-American reggae singer who takes his
nickname from Scobby Doo's companion or maybe his own hairstyle,
Shaggy.
When speaking for his client,
Shaggy had to answer the following questions from the judge in
his distinctive sub-baritone voice :
Did you hit her on the
counter?It wasn't me.
Were you breakin' all her teefers?It wasn't me.
Were you breakin' all her teefers?It wasn't me.
Did ya break her nose with a
crowbar?It wasn't me.
Did you splatter her brains
grey matter?It wasn't me.
Chris Brown returns to court
soon to answer more questions and if you wonder who wrote
this...It wasn't me.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
If you are reading this right now, you and the supercomputers at
TDJR are not one of the 10 million Windows computers infected
with the mysterious Conficker worm
virus. OK, we must have made it through the
Melissa virus
and Y2K too. Wow...there may be no Easter
Bunny...Happy April Fool's Day to you too!!
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