TheDowJokesReport.Com - April '08 Archive

The contents of one of the many secret file cabinets here at TheDowJokesReport.Com

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Pope said mass in the Washington Nationals Stadium upon arriving in DC. Afterwards, at the game that evening, while leading off and catching for the Nationals, Pope Benedict XVI, who appropriately wore #16, was the unintentional center of quite a controversy. After the first pitch to the Pontiff was thrown, who always tends to crowd the plate, a brush back pitch might have actually nicked the 81 year old Pope on one of his flowing robes. After a large argument in which the Pope stayed out of, kneeling in the batters box, eyes closed, the umpire did award him first base as he agreed that the Pope was indeed hit by the baseball. Than, all of a sudden, a sudden freakish thunderstorm occurred, showering thunderbolts of lightning on the pitchers mound...but only the pitchers mound! Mets pitcher John Maine had to be taken from the game and to the hospital for lightning bolt burns and than to church to pray for an awful lot of forgiveness. (Writer was born and raised Catholic, enough said.)

In yet another controversy, in the bottom of the first inning, before the Nationals Matt Chico got to throw his first pitch, Pope Benedict XVI once again started a commotion when he was thrown out of the game for obstructing the umpires view for refusing to remove his big hat while catching. As the skies once again turned dark, Pope Benedict uttered a few words in Latin, the skies cleared, the home plate umpire came back from hiding under the stadium and all was quiet after that. It seems his Eminence didn't mind at all being removed early from the game. This is the way he was still able make it to Friday's to celebrate his 81st birthday with a free sundae and a happy little clapping birthday song by the staff. (We think the Pope was also spotted at the Old Country Buffet in a previous joke below??) All that is left to say is we're glad the staff learned the song in Latin.

Richie Sambora, famed guitarist of Bon Jovi, had confirmed he will be able to take time off from his drunk driving and rehab tour to join the band for at least the band's last 2 shows in New York in July. The other dates have not yet been announced.

In a related story, there is no truth to the rumor that the band will be adding 'Jail House Rock' to their set if Mr. Sambora has to play via satellite from an 'enclosed facility'.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Some people thought the Pope was coming to DC to try and exorcise the demons from George Bush. After trying it all day on Dick Cheney, he gave up and didn't have the strength.

While he's here, maybe the Pope can get some divine intervention and get the Delta and Northwest pilots to agree on the merger of their two airlines!

If Barak Obama wins the election and becomes President, what do you think the White House door bell will sound like? Our guess is...Bling, Bling!

Why does the company Emerson run so many ads during the day on CNBC and most of them in exotic far away places? What is the common denominator? Their
client is always late! Get a client who respects you and your company's
ability and each one of you in different accents won't have to say..."We've
been waiting for you"? While you're at it, since you can afford a helicopter, why not go buy a watch too.

Why on Fast Money is only guru Dylan "Ravi-Shankar" Ratigan the only one allowed to wear a suit jacket but Karen Finerman gets to wear a full outfit? Maybe it's because if Jeff Mackey doesn't stop getting any bigger up top,
he'd start pulling an Incredible Hulk move and burst out of the jacket like
David Banner if you don't agree with his pop or drop!

While talking about Mackey, when did he become a stand-up comic? It seems
like he spends more time on those side splitting one liners than on the
picks he talks about. What website does he write for? Sorry, we're not hiring.

Even though it happened a while ago and self-induced comas do happen once in awhile, we love the idea that Maryanne from Gilligan's Island was arrested for
smoking MaryJane!

With the high price of oil and now gasoline, would it be too much to ask to have a guy in uniform run out to your car, check your oil, clean your windows and speak
in English asking you how much gas would you like? We'd also appreciate not being called boss, my friend or American scum devil once in awhile too.
It would be nice to leave our English to Gas Pump Attendant dictionary home
once in a while.

So whatever happened with the stock Ambac? We haven't heard them mentioned very much lately so we guess they hired the duck back.
AMBAC Duck

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Taxes are due today and it's the first day of Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the United States. Wow..could life get any better? The Lord giveth and the taxman taketh away!

The Pope arrives in Washington DC today and will be met by President Bush at the airport:

Let's hope the Pope-mobile seats two and it's GPS is really GOD.
Let's hope no one puts an Opie & Anthony Show WOW sticker on the Pope-mobile.
Let's hope the Pope's not flying on American or an MD-80.
Let's hope the Pope took an extra set of Papal robes with him just in case they lose his luggage.
Let's hope that Naomi Campbell is nowhere in site.

The Pope is expected to address many important issues concerning American Catholics such as global warming, the humanitarian cost of war and the priest sex scandal. Wow...keep your fingers crossed, let's hope he doesn't tell us that there's no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny.

Tomorrow is the Pope's 81th birthday. Hopefully, they won't forget to take him to the Old Country Buffet for his free birthday meal.

It's 4PM...the Pope has just landed in DC and all TV stations are covering his arrival. This must be a really big deal...they even pre-empted our queen Oprah's show.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Anyone else other than TDJR.COM notice that Barack Obama's real, given, birth name is Barry? Wow...Barry Obama...next we're going to find out that Hilary's real first name is Shanikwa!!

Sources say, if Barack Obama gets elected, the Secret Service will be changing the design of the special secret lapel pin. It's gonna be hard to keep themselves secret if they make the pin into a big piece of bling bling hanging round their necks.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Happy April Fools Day...sorry nothing new here so please go read an archive and don't forget April 15th is almost upon us and the taxman cometh no matter whateth.

Missed some laughs?
Go back to The File Cabinet Archive
here!

GoDaddy.com is the world's #1 ICANN-accredited domain name registrar!